Super Excited with a capital S and a capital E.

I can't believe how fast things are going. In 5 months I will get university offers (I better or that is just a fail) in 6 months I'm going to prom and I'm graduating. In 10 months I'm starting university.

So I'm sitting here like hold up, I'm not that old.
Oh but I am...
Finally I am.

I'm thrilled by the things that are about to come. At the same time anxious for the things in between. I can sense crying and fussing because I don't wanna do my homework. The stressing to decide which school to go to. The crying even more because I don't wanna do more homework. The crying because no one asked me to prom... But I know in the end everything is going to be dandy. And this time next year I'm going to be like "bitch, f yeah. life's a climb but the view is great!" (no miley cyrus i hate you.) but we all get the point.

Just so stoked.
Not to mention I'm spending the holidays in Vegas and California
it's about to be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

xoxo.

Turning tables

if i tell the world i'll never say enough cause it was not said to you
and that's exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you


too many distractions in life right now

LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER LAURIER

should be my only goal.

xoxo.

Cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down we almost never speak

I realized that you could have that one boy of your dreams right in front of you and not want him the same way you imagined you would.

In the end you always go back to the same loser who made your life miserable.

xoxo.

the other side of the door

i love my friends
my family im still working on
im losing hope in academics well... not really cause
Laurier is plastered all over my room and i need to chase after it like sprint to it every chance i've got. And I know that.
Boys are still frustrating
and some friends still think I think theyre one of my true friends
but i know they know they aren't and no one catches bullshit like a bullshitter like me.
so they need to drop it
cause im getting angrier by the day.
and i wanna be a happy person
:)

xoxo

As much as I loved

Tumblr.com
the tumblarity made me a little insecure as it tended to drop every time I was not able to blog and reblog and for some reason this really ticked me off.

So... I was at a tumblarity of about 240 when it all of a sudden went down to 89 and it's very discouraging I feel like I'm in a competition for the most emo blogs and best artsy pictures. And while I can keep up with that if I really dwelled my time on it. I don't think I can do it because I have a life, and school.

So that's my rant.

about this stupid tumblarity shit.

xoxo.

someone

needs to tell me what happened last night.

xoxo.

eletheowl:

“I realize that overall, you weren’t really worth it. There were moments with you that made me really happy, but the majority of the time you just shut me out. That’s why this summer, I’ll try to get over you. We might’ve had something really great, but I guess we’ll never know. I’ll never forget the good times with you, but I’ll also never forget how you hurt me more than any other boy.”

eletheowl.tumblr.com

“Before you, I was never so emotional. No one could make me cry, and no one made me think so hard. But now the tears flow like rain from the saddest sky there is, and my frantic thoughts are tearing me apart. I’m not going to let it end this way. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m done being broken, and I’m done letting you make me feel like that at all. I’m going to make myself stronger, no matter how I have to do it. Because these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane, and I’m not going to let that be me anymore. I’m taking a stand.”

im so sore :(

i can't believe school is on tuesday.
it seems like i went to the philippines 6 years ago.
feels like i never went home this summer.
i miss it

back to school will kill me softly.
and im not talking about academics.

xoxo.

i thought i should come by

and say hello to my blogspot.
things have been easier.
tumblr.com
twitter.com

i got a blackberry bold.
it's quite hefty.
i painted my room gray.
2 shades of it.
i'm putting up black and white pictures.
it feels a little dark for me to do.

things are getting better.
i can say your name.
i almost don't care.

xoxo.

One day I will forget you, but right now, oh man.

im thisclose to moving permanently to tumblr.

nikkaaquino.tumblr.com

taking a break from blogspot, find me reblogging and blogging at tumblr :) :)

xoxo.

Who Knew ?

Why do people make time capsules?
Scrap books?
Why do people tivo their shows?
Why do we record any data, why do we take pictures?
...For memories.

Some memories are material.
Hard, solid, present material.
While others store in your brain.

The smell of the air while you took those pictures, what you did before and after those pictures were taken. The laughs that were off camera. The little antics in between. Those that were missed by technology and can only be kept merely by your own internal memory.

They last long.
Longer than any jpeg file that can be simply deleted by a click of a mouse.
Longer than any pieces of paper that can be burned.
Long.

Anyway, these memories are good because you know you won't lose them (unless you unfortunately hit your head and crack it open and have amnesia, or you all of a sudden at the age of 80 develop alzheimer's disease)

We preserve every good part of our lives with the means of pictures and videos and other memorabillas... that consist of pictures and videos and writings

So like any good thing, it comes with its cons. Cause you see...because these memories are built inside you.. they start to come with emotional attachment, now it's attached to you heart and brain, and you can't let go, can't delete, can't escape.

And I guess in life you would encounter someone that's able to defeat the purpose of their own internal memory.
Those people who choose to forget and simply just erase and delete any good memory, that YOU cannot or will never forget.


I may never learn how to do this, and I sure hope I never forget what this person did.

I wanna remember every single part of how we met and those little times in between that only I would remember now, because the other half is gone.

I wanna remember the feelings. Because I will never want to do this to anyone else.

Low.
and pathetic.
Inconsiderate, immature and cold.

I know I promised, nothing more about you.
but now that I'm out of that garbage hole I was in weeks ago,
And now that I've got out of my slump and happier than ever in life...
You are just,
nevermind.

Who cares?!





xoxo.

You know when you can't sleep..

I can't sleep, I don't know if it's because I drank coffee or it's because I have just completely wrecked my body clock this summer.

I don't know.
But internet keeps me pretty entertained.

This is from Leejay's blog.
Tumblr.com is looking pretty attractive to me these days than blogspot.


..and yes maybe also because Gabe Bondoc uses it.
But Aj uses blogspot.
Oh I have blogspot!
oh and yes... I made tumblr too
haha

you know you love me!

(so enthusiastic at 4:26 in the morning, only me..)

xoxo.

It's like I've waited my whole life.

Don't you hate it when your internet is so slow?
You feel like you can almost break your computer, but you won't because then you won't have a computer to use...
Like right now, my internet is being so slow and I'm sitting here so impatiently waiting for my internet to open the web page I've asked it to open literally 2 minutes ago.

That is slow.
We've all been accustomed to fast everything that our patience has faded with time..When we know that patience is key to a lot of greater things in life.
When you think about it, everything is made fast these days because we cannot imagine a slow meaning of life.
What happened to the manual can openers? Who uses those still? now we can open a can that would take 30 seconds more with a manual can opener than the electric one everyone has now.
What happened to the home cooked meals ? They're slowly getting replaced with Michellina's and Hungryman and all those things you pop in the microwave and voila!

I mean, can't we just all wait ?
Is it patience that's the problem here?
Or have we just have no time in our hands to wait?

Well I know I'm almost yanking out my hair here waiting for my internet to open, because it has never been this slow.
But you know what, it has been slow at one point, when internet was just made...and somewhere down the road of its improvement, computer techs have discovered ways to make it faster so that people don't have to wait.
But I have time. I have nothing else to do.
So I'll sit here and wait.


xoxo.

<3

Just one touch?

please?

xoxo.

what do you call this?

I miss the Philippines...
am I home sick?
but how does that make sense?
when I go to the Philippines and miss Canada, aren't I home sick too?
I wish I could just have the best of both.
In one place.
ALL my family and all my friends in one place.
no snow.
and not really down for the traffic in the Philippines too.

Parents have really been digging in me going to school in the Philippines and I have slim to no problem about that.. it's just that, I don't know how I'm going to feel about the end of the year here. When everyone's going to Laurier, U of T, Ryerson! and I'm going to the Philippines.. I mean how will that even work out?

School ends in June here, school starts in June there!
I'm going to Vancouver and California next year for 2 months...
and I don't really think I'd like to think about school by then.

:(
This just saddens me.
As much as I really wanna stay here too, it will be bittersweet to be away.
I guess I really have two "homes" now, because wherever I go, I miss a place called home. May it be the Philippines or Canada. Dang, now I'm gonna have to be a rich millionaire to be able to afford to go back and forth to prevent missing out on people.

Ugh but I reaaaaaaaaaaallly miss the Philippines.

xoxo.

Yes I can

I realized I've let myself go and that's why I'm sinking.
I've gotta help myself if I wanna get out of this situation.
From now on...
No more blogging about you.
No more tweeting about you.
Nada.
Nada.
Nada.

:)
I believe that I'm VERY happy today, and I can't let your stupid face in my head right now.

Because I met Gabe Bondoc and Leejay Abucayan for the second time, and this time it was REAL close. I mean REAL close. That I could touch them if I raised my hand. I meannn... I tried to keep it cool and not act like the groupie I REALLY am inside. Gabe likes cool, calm and composed girls you know. Gotta keep it to his level.

Loved, loved loved today.
Even though I fought with my mom to go to this gig. It was so worth it, and I'd do it over.

xoxo.

Across the world...

Left: Jasmin Angeles
Right:

they say we're bitching.
aaaaaaand... so?


"Cause we got no time for games, but we still play anyway."



No liver. No lungs.


No heart.

xoxo.

Chances fading now, patience running out. This ain't how it's supposed to be.

On a brighter note, yesterday was tiring. Spent most of the day downtown with some friends. I've got to quit a bad habit.

I met Gabe Bondoc and Leejay for the first time. And Passion a second time.

I love Gabe Bondoc ahhhh, if I already had not made that obvious with my background.
I was willing to do anything to meet him, I even lost my ride and had to go bus home, and walk an hour and a half with boys, downtown. We all know boys don't know their directions... we ended up getting lost, and in the end, just cabbed to the union station.

You see this?
IMAGINE IF AJ RAFAEL CAME.
Wow.
I would sleep in front of his hotel.
Shiiiit, I'd pick him up from the airport!
WITH FLOWERS.


hah.
xoxo.

dedicated

This is dedicated to the nice girls. The ones that stopped playing around because she liked him so much. This is for the ones that constantly made up excuses for him. The ones who defended him because her friends we're telling her she was wasting her time. This is for the girls that was taken advantage of always going to be there at the end of the day because you were left to last minute. This is for when he convinced you he was truly different only to obviously realize he wasn't when you were in too deep already. This is for the times you never even bothered to tell him you had problems because he didn't have that much time to talk to you in the first place, so why waste it talking about problems.. because the talking time was precious since it was fucking rare. This is for the girls who never asked for anything because he didn't have a job. All you asked for was time and even that was hard to get. This is for the girls that put through this bullshit because you're strong. The feelings you had were genuine. Despite the fact that you never asked for anything, never brought problems to the plate, you almost lost your friends from defending him, he never made time for you, you did this because your feelings were authentic. This is for the girls who blame themselves for being in a situation like this because you feel like you have no one to blame but yourself because you brought yourself in this situation. This is for the ones that won't admit to those tears on their pillows.

This is for the girls who are confused about a guy. You're confused because you're debating whether or not his feelings are genuine for you and because you don't know if it's actually going to go somewhere if you confirmed that you like him. If a guy is debating about you, he's not worth it. If he's comparing you to another girl, he's not worth it. You're better than being constantly being pondered and contemplated on. If he's constantly observing and inspecting whether or not he should go for you, ditch his ass. The guy should be thankful he's even around your presence.


from a friend.

shit is true.

xoxo.

...

"Whoever said it's impossible to miss what you never had, never almost had you."

Despite what happened, despite the distance, despite the boys in between. Not gonna lie. Still thinking of you.


xoxo.

:(

Right now it's 1:49 pm, Monday in the Philippines.
I left at 9:00 am on Sunday. More than 24 hours of travel.
I'm not tired. I barely slept on the plane cause I just cant, the seats are so uncomfortable and I hate those bastards in first class who get to lounge around like kings and queens. Psh.
One day, I'll own a private jet.

Anyway, taking off was brutal, I couldn't stop the tears. I just really didn't want to leave. I felt like I was migrating again, my time there was so short.

When we got to Japan, it was getting worse cause by then my dad, mom and brother fell asleep and I stayed awake (I blame it on the co co co co coffee.) Anyway, I was trying to read a book but just couldn't remove my mind from thinking about the last time I had been in that stupid Narita-Tokyo airport waiting so anxiously for my plane to the Philippines. And I sat there wanting to slow down time cause I didn't want to go home. I kept reading reading reading, and if you ask me what happened in those 100 or so pages that I read during that 3 hour stop over, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

Japan to Chicago was still brutal cause same thing, not only was the flight so fucking long... I also couldn't fall asleep. Thanks again coffee. And then I started to get sore throat and I swear it was because of that little boy that sat beside me who sneezed more than he talked.


Chicago to Toronto was HORRIBLE cause now it was hitting me that I was going home... and that once the fuck again, Philippines is 9000 miles away out of my reach. And yeah my right ear was plugged and I was deaf on my right ear until like 30 minutes ago.

I really miss it already.
I might cry:(

xoxo

i miss it already

click on picture?
you almost got me on this one.
psh.

____________________________________________________________________________
Right now, my mom side of my family is throwing us a despidida party, my plane leaves in exactly 11 hours and 42 minutes.

Leaving my lola's house today felt like I never left for Canada and it felt like I was 11 again with fears of being away from the wisest person I know.
I miss her already and I loooove her. My mom and I both cried so much saying good bye and my lola wasn't crying. I remember when I was young she used to tell me to stop crying and I asked her why she doesn't cry and she said, "Naubos na lahat ng luha ko para sa lolo mo." Which in english is "I've cried all my tears for your lolo." Since he died when he was only 45. I only really see her sad when she looks at his pictures.

So today I told her that she better come to Canada soon cause I hate where she lives. She told me that's where she belongs, that her heart's in that "home". I think it's just because she remembers my lolo in that house.

Anyway, she walked us out of her street and seeing her walk back to her house I just felt like my old little self wanting to run to her and ask her to cook me adobo. Or tell on some kid that hit me at school. ='(

i dont want to leave

title says it all.

drinking and doing all that other illegal shit here more than ever. making days worth it.

xoxo.

im not your girl.

I'm sorry.
I live a life of partying
and I like people too easily.
I go through boy phrases.
and I'm not really even done phasing out the other.
So right now I feel like I'm cross phasing.
But once school starts for me
and I go back to land of Tim Horton's and maple leaves,
we're going to forget about each other.
And that's the truth
so i'm sorry.

xoxo.

when it comes to me just forget it.

Seriously I'm so drained. Of energy and emotions. I don't think I've ever been so exhausted from just thinking. This is worse than studying for 11-U Math Exam. For real. Time is so unrealistic sometimes. It goes the slowest when you're anticipating and the fastest when you're enjoying. It's brutal. I can't do this. Why is it going so fast, and yet I still have time to sit here on a Sunday night writing a blog.

I don't know what to think anymore I'm happy that I'm here in the Philippines away from all the stress that I had back home. But since when the hell did I call Canada back home, I swear I refer to the Philippines as back home.

I'm happy that I'm here where my family is. I'm happy that I'm surrounded with familiar faces I grew up with. I did spend more time these friends than any of my other friends in Canada. When we talk, it's like I never left at all, minus the jokes that I can't speak tagalog for my life. Nevertheless, we communicate differently and that is all that's changed. I'm sad that I have to go soon. But the two weeks I have been here, so many things have happened and yes, drama does follow me around, it seems.

I've started to not give a shit long ago and it's just turning me into a female version of the jerks/boys I have encountered before. It sucks but I learned from the best of jerks. Not gonna say any names but I picked up a bunch of styles. I learned not to call back, I learned to lie, I learned to make false promises, I learned to make excuses and I learned to forget. But I'm not heartless I swear, I have feelings for sure. I just really don't know how I'm doing this.

Whatever. Summer fling don't mean a thing...right?

Peace outttt.
xoxo.

whyyyyyyyyyyy

Seriously, things happen too quickly, one day I'm chasing after no one, next, I have all I want and not taking it.

I am SO sorry for putting you through this crap, I already said it many times. My problem is I fall too fast when I'm not even sure and I get myself in shit all the time. It's really NOT you. And trust me, I wanna say yes. Yes to all you offer. But I'm sorry I can't. It sucks that assholes have hurt me before preventing me to trust you. I really can't. My walls are so up high, so closed in, I might as well live in a tall box where no one else can come in. It's surprising me too. Don't throw out words that you are not sure you mean. I miss you like crazy but I won't let myself do it. Inside me I know I like you but I'm just really scared to, again I'm so sorry. I swear, you helped me more than you know. Helped me forget about those jackass that don't deserve my time, and helped me realize there are guys like you out there. Again, like I said, I don't want to be awake on the other side of the world, thinking about you sleeping and I don't want to be asleep when you're awake. I don't wanna be 9000 miles away. Things will change when I leave. Things WON'T be the same after I leave.

I don't want sleepless nights, and I'm not down for heart aches. I TOLD YOU. and it's unfortunate it had to be you.
I can't let myself like you so helplessly then have to cut it short.
TIME. Time. pleaseeee give it time.
I'm so sorry. So sorry. I just can't do it right now.

Don't you ever doubt I DON'T like you.
I would never stop bad habits for just "some guy".
I would never text someone all night, just to tell them not to sleep.
I would never ask anyone to stay up all night and talk with me.
I would never lead someone on.
I would neveeeeeeer lie about liking someone. EVER.
I already said, I'm not going anywhere right now.

I'm just going to chill and think about this okay?
it's up to you to wait or not to wait.
not forcing anything.
fuck myseeeeeelf.
only I would get in shit like this.
fo.real.

xoxo.

crap.

i've been here for a week already!?
shit.
Last week was crazy cool seeing my friends again seemed like nothing changed, cept I feel like I underestimated what their knowledge is here cause it's seriously the same thing as canada. And seriously, I feel so legal buying cigarettes and alcohol for all my friends. (L)
I wanna move back to Laguna, shit.
Well I got to Batangas last night and it's hella crazy over here with the Aquino clan and Caimbon clan SERIOUSLY combining together. but anyway... i've gotten a total of 3 spa massages in 3 different places in a span of four days and i am still stressed out. I just don't know how I'm supposed to leave now.
I remember saying, I wanna fall in love and break my heart.
No. No. No. I do NOT WANT my wish to come true.
it's just so hard.
why?!?!?!

somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing

and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right

just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so hard to let go

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we say it's forever
but this ain't a fantasy
i know you can't come with me
you got your life




friiiiig.
friiig.
frig.
frig.
frig.

xoxo.

me neva find a luh luh luuuuuv like this.

fuuuuuck. this is gonna be so hard to leave.

love runs deep

It's currently 6:06 am , Philippine time. I woke up just to talk to people in Canada.
Anyway I've only been here 4 days and I have loved every bit of it, except the trip to my lola's house. I always knew she lived within the ghetto and shes surrounded by all these people who live off 250 pesos and have 9 children. I used to live in my lola's house but that was 10 years ago and since then homeless people have built houses beside houses made out of steel sheets. 5 years really did make a huge difference too, and I really want my lola to stop living in that house RIGHT NOW. It canNOT be safe in there. She gets teary eyed to the thought of leaving that house as she spent almost 50 years there. But things change, what was once clean and safe 50 years ago is not clean and safe now. When it rains, water gets in her house and floods the floor. There's mice in there.. and it's just too crowded with things she's kept over the years.

My mom and my tita sat down with her and told her she can't keep living there. That this time, she really has to move. This has been an issue for a long time, she just won't leave. Knowing my lola, she's like my mom. She has many inhibitions. Sometimes pessimistic. But her health could be in hazard with the living condition she's in.

I think she's scared of losing the memories she's had in that house I mean, not only my mom's my uncle's and my aunt's childhood were spent there, but also a little bit of mine and my cousins. Most of all, the memories of the beloved love of her life, my lolo's memories. He died when he was only 49, my mom was 13. I think she wants to preserve his aura. Another thing is that, I think my lola sees the house as its old image. But this is it, we're gonna drag her out.

Anyway, I also saw my friends Anya and Jasmin yesterday, and must I say, it's like I took a long vacation, and nothing has changed. It wasn't awkward and I still felt okay to tell them my secrets. It was good catching up, I love them both. I'm sleeping at Jasmin's house tonight, and partying at Paseo de Santa Rosa, which is near my old house. So I'm also gonna see some of my other friends there, and I'm ecstatic about it :)

life's great right now. It's like Canada was only my imagination. Someone might have to drag me out of here to make me leave.


xoxo.

Tokyo Narita

So im just in Japan at the airport. Chicago to Japan was 13 hours and the flight was alright. I watched 17 again and Confessions of a Shopaholic. It's amazing that I am still awake because I barely slept and it's like 5 in the morning in Canada. Ugh I almost forgot how uncomfortable I get while landing and my head still hurts. Everything on my blogger right now btw is Japanese so I dont even know what to click. Haha.
Embarassing story, as we left Toronto, we flew by Marcellinus and I YELLED "OH MY GOD I SEE MY SCHOOL I SEE MY SCHOOL" in the plane... only to find about 5 people giving me the "shut the fuck up" face.

Oh whoa I just felt that jet lag feel oh myyyyy.
I think my plane is boarding now though.
And i've thought about a lot of things during the plane ride. That was horrible. I HATE BEING SURROUNDED BY SILENCE.


xoxo

Dearests...

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Romans 12:9


I seriously wrote myself (and other girls) a motivational/moving on letter.

xoxo.

God is my homeboy.

"So do not worry about tomorrow;
for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

weaker.

"It's not like grade school, when a boy's mean to you, he likes you."

deleted messages, deleted number, deleted msn, deleted pictures, deleted chat logs.

okay, i already had sleepless nights.
okay, i already blogged about you.
okay, i already went semi emo.
OKAY? i admit it.
oh and i know you're fucking happy about it.
go ahead.
flaunt it boy.


xoxo

WEAK!

we NEED to get it together, girls.



xoxo.

baby hush hush

Gabs birthday today.
Woke up at 8 this morning to clean so I can go to Joe's. I met up with Mark then we went to Joe's. FINALLY saw Kamil and chilled with him during his lunch, thank goodness it was a long lunch today :)

Aww i missed him. (L)

Anyway. Mark and I ate Asian Flavour then got picked up by Gabs. We went to Mark's house... hella big, he's living a good life in STREETSVILLE. Gabs and I were so jealoussss.
Yeah and now I'm just finishing up packing (y)
So much happier today =D


2 more daysss suckaass


xoxo.

got bruises on my heart, and sometimes i get dark.

Nikka says:
there's texting
there's facebook
there's msn
FUCKING GET AT ME JEEZ

bev.ALCONCEL; said:
I KNOW. 
don't tell me you don't have time.
you ALWAYS have time.

Nikka it gets worse at night. said:
yeah-___-

bev.ALCONCEL; said:
text me while you're taking a crap or something.
shit.
i don't care.


hahahah ♥
STAYING STRONGGG
i love bev lmfaoooo

xoxo.

gone

you truly never know what you have til it's gone
then we try to get it all back
what if? i should have, oh and i could have.
it's useless now isn't it?
it's gone.

now you reminisce those shared moments
the moments you cried
the moments you laughed
the moments before everything changed
the moments when you looked at each other and knew you were gonna be there the next day.
those memories are here.
but the future is gone.

nothing else to share.
nothing else to gain.
cause they're gone.
gone before you even thought of them going.
gone before you even saw it coming.

you try to ignore all the flaws you had
you try to ignore all the changes in between
and just recall all the good times spent
you start to blame yourself for not doing what you could have
you can feel low and cry your heart out
but time is everlasting
and since nothing lasts forever
the pain will be gone

gone like he went
gone, gone like the memories
gone, gone like all his feelings

just... gone
you know?

xoxo.

Ah, when things were simple.

LMFAO IM JUST WATCHING YOUTUBE AND FOUND THIS.
IM DYING lmfao lmfao lmfoa lmfoalmfaofnsjodfna
hahahahahhahaha

Beginning to the end, i laughed my ass off.



i swear its worth watching LOOOL.
xoxo.

I never knew I could feel that much about you =\

Yesterday, I spent 80% of my day with Mark just talking about our devastations in life. We went to driving school and I finally finished it after 100 years. Then we went to square, I haven't been there for SO long. We were there for like 9 hours until we finally got picked up. (this is why i need my g2) lol. Got home at 5. Then around 10 he came again picked me up at my house, we walked around heartland drinkin and smokin whatever, head buzzin and feeling so nice. Talked more about our frustrations, and now we just make fun of each other LOOOL.

SPRUNG NIGGAAAAS. We hate this liiiiifeeee.

But freaaal at that point, I forgotttt everything.
If only I could stay there forever.
Whatever, it's getting easier now


xoxo.

P.S. 4 MORE SLEEPS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

JUST A DREAM

OMG. I had the worst dream but I don't remember the whole thing. To top it all off the weather is scaring me and I wanna hide, I feel like the lightning is gonna break through my window and struck me.

Anyway, the only part I remember in my dream is that there was this cobra that someone was showing me. it was tame but then when it saw me it went wild. So I ran from it but this snake was hella fast. Then I finally got to this house, which happens to be my grandma's house in the Philippines where I spent my childhood years. I slammed the door but it still managed to get me. I couldn't breath, I "half" woke up already and I was hugging my pillow, my pillow case has ruffles on the side. And in my dream right when the cobra was right on my ear and when it was doing that face when it's about to bite you... i FULLY woke up and it doesn't really help that my pillow case is brown and ruffly. I screamed the shit out of me cause I thought it was the snake. But this isn't like the movies where mom and dad come to rush in my room to see what happened.
LOL.
I had to tell myself everything is okay, and went back to sleep.
Oh and then i had another dream, which I don't fully remember, but I do remember a school and my anthro teacher, Ms. Delia's office.

I always interpret my dreams cause I feel like theyre always true.

so.


Snake and chase dreams are commonly familiar.

Being chased often means you are avoiding something in your life; however, being chased by an animal can also be your unexpressed anger which has been projected into that animal.

Seeing and/or being bitten by a snake may be your inner fears or worries. Your dream may be trying to alert you about something in your life you are not currently aware of. Snakes can also symbolize forbidden sexuality.

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
______________________________________________________________________

Teacher

To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream, suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught? Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may be going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.


IM SCARED.

and stupid weather.

xoxo.

STOP YOUR DRAMA NIKKA, BE HAPPY.

Some people tell me, that you're not my kind
And I believe them, but I can't get you out of my mind
Some people tell me that I should stay away
Maybe I will... some other day

'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And i don't do always that i should
And I know what makes me happy
And in my heart you're it exactly

I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17

I'll learn my lessons, and I'll make mistakes
And If i get burned (get burned), it'll be my heart to break
It isn't easy, hearing what they say
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith

'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And I'm not gonna do something stupid
Just this once, i wanna feel like
I can do what i want when i hold tight

Anyone, who's ever been in love
Has got to know
What it means to have a dream
And no one can say anything
To change my mind, no, not this time

_________________________________________________

woke up at 8.
drove.
found distractions.
so i went shopping.
and got really agitated.
you're off my mind.
cool.

xoxo.

p.s. i'm missing livejournal so much.

STUPID STUPID RANT RANT @ 4 AM.

6 days til the Philippines.

I don't know what I'm feeling. WHY AM I BEING LIKE THIS.
SNAP OUT OF ITTTTT.
I hate being so unhappy sometimes.
I WANNA CRY I WANNA CRY
BUT I CAN'T!
JUST A PARTY JUST A PARTY
NOTHING DIFFERENT.

I NEED SLEEP.
HOW DOES A PERSON MANAGE TO SLEEP TIGHT WHEN ANOTHER IS UP ALL NIGHT THINKING OF THAT STUPID SHIT
AAAAAAHH

I have driving at frikken 10:00. i need sleep.
This is impairment. im gonna be driving impaired.
With your stupid thoughts in my stupid head.
and your stupid hair and your stupid voice.
stuck in my head where they don't belong.
WHYYYYYY IS THIS HAPPENING
NIKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK.
im talking to myself
IM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT SLEEP.
I WANT TO FAST FORWARD.
I WANT TO AAAAHHHHH
OMGGGGG
i feel myself going crazy.
WHY.


xoxo.

I want a love like.

Love Like by Shihan

I want a love like me, thinking of you, thinking of me,
thinking of you type love
or, me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love
or, hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until he falls
asleep then wonder if he dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what he's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when he's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so he never forgets how much I love him type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about him type love.
Hope that I make him feel as good as he makes me feel, like believing that him being in my life makes me a better person type love or I want him to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with him not saying shit,
then fall asleep then wake up with him right next to me,
and smell him all up in my covers type love
I want to try to counting the ways I love him, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes him happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds like we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when him number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to him until I lose my breath, he leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of him back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to him longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love him as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for him.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same
I want a love that's as unexplainable as he is.


xoxo.

just browsin my old fb notes.
And it's funny how i always put myself in this position.
i love my friends.
cristina gave me this last year.

For those confusing days,
when you miss him, and want nothing
more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes its better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station.

When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, dont answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasnt him, and realized that once again, he hadnt called when he said he was going to.

One day, you'll find a guy whose worth all the tears, but he wont make you cry.
You may think that youll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. Its gonna hurt like crap, and its going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

I FUCKING LOVE VENICIO <3

Today, Harriet came over at like 12:30 and brought her brother to see my brother. I told her I wanted ice cream because boys are buggin. Anyway, today I just spent my day with Francesca and Samantha because I miss them and we had a good bffffl talk about life and last night and who we gonnnna marry hahaha. Harriet's still "here" she went to go drop off Miguel. I was bad again today.

Anyway, Harriet's right, I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts cause this is killing me. I dont know how I always manage to always care more. I don't wanna say I hate boys because that's just their nature. Learning is fucking hard and I just gotta be headstrong riiiiiight?

I told Venicio what happened... And I agreed it's my doing that I'm thinking about it too much. I love him so much for keeeeeping me grounded right now. I didn't spill to anyone else.

I reallyyyyy would like to forget.
But why is it so hard to not care?

Honestly, I liked you. like ? liked? like?

xoxo.

what the fuck can i say?
im an idiot.
what else is there really to explain?
im stupid.
kay yeah it was my fault this time

fooled once shame on him,
fooled twice shame on me.

i haj d no internet ]fior three days

imbery drunk.

io love enzxo caleonj kay
xoxo!

Here's my lousy excuse for moving on.

Today was such a long day. It seems so because I woke up at 8:00 and did not start doing shit until like 5:00 =| omg, stupid suite life. And freal, I'm happy I'm moving back to the house tomorrow even though we don't have shit in our house. No Tv, no internet. Yeah I know it's like Ice age.

Anyway, today, I didn't eat all day because I wasn't really hungry but then my mom brought MCDONALD'S which I have been successful in avoiding for about 2 years. Now, it seems to be catching up on me. I've been having like Sundaes and McFlurry's every 2 days and actually I had one yesterday too. Yeah, I had fries too and after feeling so guilty about eating all that nasty things that can potentially clog my arteries, I felt the need to run. So I worked out (thank goodness for the gym inside the building) for 45 minutes, since there's like no equipments in the hotel gym anyway.

While I was running, I had the reddest face and fucking work out face/panting mode on and I look at the mirror and see the frikken BASEBALL BOYS STARING AT ME. No one is ever at my fucking hotel WTF!
So embarassing, my shirt was half falling, exposing my bra and crap and to top that all off I was wearing my cheerleading shorts, which is like 5 inches of spandex LMFAO. and it was definitely riding up. But it's all good that they saw me working out rather than eating, LOL.

Anyway, at 8:30 Gaelen picked me up and we watched transformers 2 with Krista, Patrich and Uzair. Right when I got my ticket, I lost it. Yuuuuup. I lose things so easily oh my. But tell me how we ended up watching the movie at 10:30 LOL.

But fucking Shia LeBouf is sexy, what a tank.
And Megan Fox is a SEEEXXXYYY too. HOMO<3
Yes, I still love Shia more.
Transformers was UNREAL. I'm still thinking about it, fucking blew my miiiinddd.
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg. Buffalo tomorrow (or should i say today ? cause its 1:38 am. i just got home literally 20 minutes ago. gonna change the blogging time.)
Buffalo at 6 IN THE MORNING.
It's 4th of July tomorrow in the States so I'm expecting some craaaazeeee.


I LOVE TRANSFORMERS!!!!!!
now, i must fall asleep to Family channel, yeah Cory in the House.
PEACE.

yknow you love me
xoxo.

I need you like water, like breath, like rain.

I think I need to tell you I like you. Or I can just be stupid and let the feelings go away. I choose plan B. Skip the heartache, don't need it right now.

Anyway, today I had driving at 4:00, Harriet dropped off her brother at my house so her brother and my brother could chill. I think it's kinna cute that our brothers are bestfriends and we are too. Cute tiiiimes. Anyway, driving was boring. I got home and I THOUGHT I had in class. So I got my dad to drive me to driving school, saw Enzo at his work, what a trooper cutting hair ahaha. Anyway, I'm a fail and did not really have driving school and my dad was pissed cause he had to drive me and he was tired. So we drove to our house because they said the boxes came in and shit.

Then, Harriet picked me up from my house. (we had to clean and crap). Chilled with Ralph, Alfie my boyfriend, and "Miguel" which is Joaqui in my world. The boys got beer for Wasaga tomorrow. Me and Harriet held hands when we went to walmart, I lost a bet and refused to do the real deal and instead bought her a Sundae cone.

So whateverrrr now I'm just chillin watching Real world.

I reached 601 tweets today and I feel accomplished. MLIA.

I want youuu so bad so bad so bad.

yknow you love me.
xoxo.

Fooooreal.

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

Can't be with or without you

Yesterday, I was dying in my hotel by my frikken self. So Harriet and Joaqui (Miguel) came to my hotel and we just did absolutely nothing, watch tv. And then whatever, we went to go meet up with Ralph, drove to Alfie's house, got him and then we ended up in a park and Harriet and I walked across the Credit River. It was pretty gross I must say.

And today is no different, I'm still fucking bored and time has been moving so fucking slow.

Speaking of slow.
Yet another song that explains my feelings.



whoever stole my blackberry, will read my notes. and know my true feelings for one boy NO ONE knows about.
:(


xoxo.

Legit

JUNE 25, 2009

So my brother graduated today. "OH THAT'S GREAT." NO. oh no. I woke up this morning and my mom was screaming. So I thought oh my fucking gosh we are late aren't we and she's freaking out of course. Then I come out of my room and my whole house is like flooded. Like... it was raining in my kitchen and basement. Turns out a water pipe bursted in my house and it eroded into all the pipes. It was crazy, the tv and appliances in the basement were all fuckeddd. Anyway, insurance got my family a hotel room because we can't stay in the house :( . But anyway, I still went to driving with Enzo and Mark, and i didn't even know which hotel we were going to. So then I just ended up bussing with Enzo but driving school ended at like 9:20 and we frikken missed the bus right when it got there so we had to wait like 30 minutes aodfosairahwyhuask . I didnt know where to go so I went to "Miguel's" (it's Joaqui in my world) and got picked up. All in all very fuckeeed day i dont know whats wrong with this week man.

i will blog about the mmva's tomorrow.

I just wanna talk about how I lost my blackberry.
Tell me how, in the past years where I have owned phones that are well...NOT A BLACKBERRY... it survived thick and thin. Drunk moments, yeup, there was that Ericsson, no matter where I went it kept coming back to me. My next phone... I frikken buried my Rokr under snow and it still functioned. Then I went to Niagara one time and that phone is so thin that it slipped out of my pocket without me finding out until the next day. And that phone NEVER rang. NEVER. It was always on vibrate. Always. Then I beg my parents for a BlackBerry knowing I do not deserve such thing, but yknow it's my birthday maybe I sorta do deserve it, in that sense I do but for what I have done to my parents in the past ... they are swallowing prideeeess to give me that phone.

What frikken hurts the most is that I keep on telling them I'm ready to change, I'm ready to change. Not loafting anymore, you can trust me now. Then incidents like this happen. It was a failed stupidity on my part that I left it on the table...FUCK i dont even wanna go on cause everytime I think about it I just stop at that part. And yea, WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG TELLING MY PARENTS.
I just wanna hug my mom... I wanna talk to her. Like I've been wanting to just talk to her about whatever. But I can't do that and I understand with all that rage in her, and with such a negative mom like mine (one who thinks of all the bad stuff before the good), its gonna be tough to surpass this. Soooooooo hard.

I love my parents, and losing this blackberry was like losing their trust and losing their faith in me. The little faith they had and the little trust gained. There was nothing to begin with and they were taking a shot in the dark and leaaaaaaping mountains. I don't care about the phone at this point, well I do but beyond that I'm so mad at myself that I would have to have the "im so sorry please believe me" conversation with them again. Trying to convince them... I wish I could have done something.

She rockin that thing like

Omg. Even fucking sober, I still manage to get myself in fucking trouble. It's not me it's you mom. Okay maybe it was a little bit me.

Today, I got picked up by Harriet at 9 to go to Jill's hotel party which was downtown. Going there, we got lost because roads were fucking closed due to the mmvas. Kay, then we got pulled over for speeding, but THANK GOODNESS WE DID. Because the cop was SEXY AS HELL Harriet was told she could take the tickets to court and she'll see him again there and I told her to fucking go for it.

So finally got to the frikken hotel after enough missions getting pulled over and getting lost. It was so pretty, so high class and I know this for sure because GIRLICIOUS was there. We saw them as we were leaving but wow woop dee doo it's girlicious. They're girls. So am I. I'm straight. I think it's impressive that they can dance and sing at the same time. But I was sick and I'm using that as an excuse for everything... and I didn't really wanna be liek OMG CAN I TAKE A PICTURE.. no... Try Spice Girls! THEN I will go crazy.


Yeah basically my fucking window just closed and my draft didnt save until like the last paragraph and I don't wanna write what I just wrote.

so i'll do it in point form

-Harriet and Erika were drunk
-I kissed a girl and went to hell
-I got in shit because i got home an hour after curfew
- had to pretend I watched Up.


and now I wanna watch AJ Raf.

yknow you love me xoxo.

Why can't I love you in slow motion? Take my time.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
ANTHRO TOMORROW THEN PEACE OUT EXAMS.
even though i got fucked by math today and most likely need to go to summer school, oh well.
YEAH YEAH

I'M DONE STUDYING YAH YAH
now I'm just watching AJ Rafael <3
oh
JOSE IS CALLING ME

peace out!

yknow you love me xoxo

and now it's raining to just to rub it in.

He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes
Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me.

17 days in without alcohol fuck yeah! Operation sober month, oh yeah. Can I just say how happy I am that I was able to put my livejournal entries on blogspot, cept livejournal was really private so some of the really intense journals, I kept in LJ.

How whack was st. joe's stabbing. People need to calm down, it's the end of the school year C'MON. Like just all these tragedies are happening... Lucas' car crash, this stabbing, that girl that got crushed in a washroom in Guelph..it's just so sad.

I'm not feeling any better today I feel like I'm dying of this fever and cough and cold and everything I have going on in my body.

Writing my religion exam today was extremely painful, not only do Hindu and Sikh words sound the same, the test had like 120 multiple choice/matching and I am not exagerrating. Oh no it didnt end there... there was an essay and 4 short answers !! OH YEAH I LOVED WRITING IT. IT'S JUST WHAT A SICK PERSON NEEDS.

And I have been staring at my math tests for about 5 hours now... again, no exagerration. I don't even have facebook anymore and I still get distracted...

So peace out. I'm gonna "study"


yknow you love me.xoxo.

YOU BELONG WITH ME

stop the antics. RIGHT NOW. I never wanted you this way. Well at least I haven't realized it. But as I sit here typing this little immature blog like a little girl, I'm realizing your meaning to me. I don't want you to find out about this. I KNOW that there are other girls so I'm not gonna try compete. But what I am thinking is that I don't want you enough to even tell you. But I do want to. I'm just holding back you know. Like always. I'm so scared of rejection that I'll just remain your friend until I'm over this phase.
Dude, I never used to miss you this way.
I never used to want your attention this way.
I'm sick and last night I kept on having delusive dreams, each of them like a nightmare.
and everytime I woke up, I'd dream again and each time it just got worse
Everytime I got scared I HELD on to you like my life depended on it, I clung on to you like there was no tomorrow.

And today I was just watching clips of One Tree Hill on youtube and I randomly clicked on a random one and it was that episode when Peyton was talking to Lucas about who's standing next to him when his dreams came true.

and IIIII thought about it and OMG, I saw you.

i haven't updated

i haven't updated since april. But yeah i just read my last update and i said i would get better in math... yeah... NO.

Exam week and i am sick.
wrote my english exam today, and died. Watching recess now.
peace out

xoxo

You got me trippin

Clumsy cause I'm fallin in looveee in in loooveeee

You the fucking best

Such a nice day today. I failed my Religion test but that's alright, I seem to not be passin shit these days anyway. How many more days til summer ?
Friends are trippin balls these days everyone needs to fucking calm down, I don't give a shit about anything dramatic, life's too rough that way.
I need to get my g2 already. Everyone's driving these days.
My dad's been looking for insurance for hella long now so i can freely drive the Lancer.

Sam and I went for a good one hour walk after school today, just chilled, got some body jewelry. Then later on just tweeted life. Then Chris, Maria and Christina surprised me and picked me up, went to get slushie, find Cameron, and so it was time for Gossip Girl and I had to go home. I like my TV shows okay.

PEACE OUT.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

i suck in badminton
gained the 10 pound i lost in February
life is rough
i am sick
and i suck in math
BUT I WILL GET BETTER

xoxo

We were never meant to be baby we just happened.

I just wanna talk about Saturday and how messed that shit was. Guys are meant to torment girls, I'm sure of it. Especially the ones I know. We all know they will never change. I'm better miserable on my own than you coming up to me and making things worse. I don't wanna be so "dramatic". I didn't care shit about you anymore, and people knew that. But your big head big ego brain seems to think otherwise. Get over it. It's good that all feelings are expressed when drunk huh? 

Stay with me

UGH I'm SOOOO frustrated about how I am doing in life right now, I suck in balancing extra curriculars, friends, family and school. I'm wearing myself thin I'm exhausted, busy and lazy at the same time and it's the worst combination of things ever.

I'm pissed at myself that I always let my parents down because they don't deserve it. I'm pissed that they don't understand that III understand and for some reason I just can't get it out of me to show them and I don't want it to keep going on like this because it makes me look like such an ass of a daughter.

I know I have shit to do but I never do and when I try, it's always so wrong and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

xoxo.

I should have let you in but I let you down.

I miss lj. I've been so slack this semester and it's not good, I think I need to like lock myself up in my house so I don't do anything else but study, cause that's what I'm supposed to do anyway. I'm getting so frustrated with life now because I've dumbed down and I keep telling myself it's not too late, there's still time. But like there isn't enough time. I need to fucking shape up.

Peace out, im going to lj

I told myself to cry never again.

I want a ukelele !
Okay, so first day back at school for five days wasn't so bad, had cheer practice and it was aight. Tomorrow, there is a symposium at my school for people that are going to Ottawa, while I KNOW that I really want to go... I know that I shouldn't because I am doing HORRIBLE at school right now. Like horrible. I'm just so behind in everything, that reminds me, I should really get goin on my homework. I have had so many distractions lately. Salesians last month and now cotillion, even though it's done, it's KILLING me that it's done because now, i just wanna see everyone all the time. But anyway, I passed a math test for the first time this semester (Y) so I am very proud of myself, in a way. Hah.

Anyway, as much as I can't wait for summer, I have so many things to do oh man. So I've decided to write it out.
Things to do this week
[] No drinking (I'm trying to skip the beer belly this summer, so fuck, i have to resist temptation)
[] Apply for a job (Get a job so parents will let me go to driving school and get my stupid G2.)
[] Finish Fifth Business (Really Nikka, you've had that book for 2 months.)

Alrighty, peace out
xoxo

You said your life needed something special, well here I am.

It's funny how I can go on not talking to youfor a really long time and not care about you.But then you talk to me and everything fades and my knees weaken, my vision blurs, I flashback to bad memories, but only good ones stay, my back tingles, and I'm yours again.How vulnerable, how stupid am I.

I'm sorry for the nights I can't remember.

There's no easy way to say sorry to the people I hurt on Saturday night. I'm not gonna blame Valentine's day for the consequences of my actions just because I really hate Valentine's and bad things always happen to me on Valentine's.
My point is that I know I made poor choices that night, I know I made a fool out of myself and also others.

By running away and leaving it doesn't help, but I will almost do anything right now to be home again and just be at peace. I realized that running away from the problem does not help--because the problem is within me, and even if I tried leaving it, it's always in the back of my mind.

I'm not gonna reason everything out to me not remembering anything.
I'm not going to try to get people to pity me, I'm just going to try to get people to UNDERSTAND me.

It breaks my heart that this was my second chance with my parents and I blew it. I know they probably don't think I understand the pain I cause them, but I really am trying to and I know I screwed up. I understand if they're mad, I understand if I'm never allowed out of the house ever again. I understand if I never get the taste of alcohol and never get to go to parties unless there's daylight.
I understand the feeling of having their trust broken again, just when it was fixed.

I should have never screamed at my mom, I would have been fine right now.
I should have just slept on it and dealt with it.
But no, I took the coward's way out of things once again.
I have no regrets, even though I want to. I don't regret it. Shit happens. I gotta deal with it now.
Fucking suck it up and move on, whatever happens, happens.

I'm hating myself so much for what I've done but this is not helping, I don't wanna be in an emo hole but I need to get my feelings out.
I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of walking. I'm so tired of wandering around.
I just want to go home.

love my chicks.

Sway with me

Aw my cotillion partner is Andre.
It's honestly so exhausting to be practicing until this late and then having to go to school the next day ughhhh
2 more months :)

xoxo

Hey Jude!

Wow, guess who left livejournal..
NOT ME.
I can't do this yet.
I can't.
I can't.
LJ is my life.

Just really haven't written for awhile.

Wow, I miss LJ. Things have been going so fast... didn't even realize I haven't written for 11 days. Well nothing has changed. But the Tyree drama has been coming around again, why do I always get dragged in it, like honestly, i don't give a shit. It's all in people's heads.

Cotillion practice and stuff is good. Exams this week
oh ! i got my belly button pierced on Wednesday with Erika, and she got her web pierced. I am SO dead when my parents find out.. well it wont be that soon, so hopefully I can take it out by then??? Lol , there's no point of hiding it though, whatever, what if I just take the shit for it...
Anyway... I have a french listening exam to fail tomorrow, I kinda wanna pass this because I kinda need to be in the honor roll this year. Please please please, I haven't given up yet.. There is still hope (yn)

Aww Deejay just called meee He's drunkkk (L) i love himmm
xoxo.