One day I will forget you, but right now, oh man.

im thisclose to moving permanently to tumblr.

nikkaaquino.tumblr.com

taking a break from blogspot, find me reblogging and blogging at tumblr :) :)

xoxo.

Who Knew ?

Why do people make time capsules?
Scrap books?
Why do people tivo their shows?
Why do we record any data, why do we take pictures?
...For memories.

Some memories are material.
Hard, solid, present material.
While others store in your brain.

The smell of the air while you took those pictures, what you did before and after those pictures were taken. The laughs that were off camera. The little antics in between. Those that were missed by technology and can only be kept merely by your own internal memory.

They last long.
Longer than any jpeg file that can be simply deleted by a click of a mouse.
Longer than any pieces of paper that can be burned.
Long.

Anyway, these memories are good because you know you won't lose them (unless you unfortunately hit your head and crack it open and have amnesia, or you all of a sudden at the age of 80 develop alzheimer's disease)

We preserve every good part of our lives with the means of pictures and videos and other memorabillas... that consist of pictures and videos and writings

So like any good thing, it comes with its cons. Cause you see...because these memories are built inside you.. they start to come with emotional attachment, now it's attached to you heart and brain, and you can't let go, can't delete, can't escape.

And I guess in life you would encounter someone that's able to defeat the purpose of their own internal memory.
Those people who choose to forget and simply just erase and delete any good memory, that YOU cannot or will never forget.


I may never learn how to do this, and I sure hope I never forget what this person did.

I wanna remember every single part of how we met and those little times in between that only I would remember now, because the other half is gone.

I wanna remember the feelings. Because I will never want to do this to anyone else.

Low.
and pathetic.
Inconsiderate, immature and cold.

I know I promised, nothing more about you.
but now that I'm out of that garbage hole I was in weeks ago,
And now that I've got out of my slump and happier than ever in life...
You are just,
nevermind.

Who cares?!





xoxo.

You know when you can't sleep..

I can't sleep, I don't know if it's because I drank coffee or it's because I have just completely wrecked my body clock this summer.

I don't know.
But internet keeps me pretty entertained.

This is from Leejay's blog.
Tumblr.com is looking pretty attractive to me these days than blogspot.


..and yes maybe also because Gabe Bondoc uses it.
But Aj uses blogspot.
Oh I have blogspot!
oh and yes... I made tumblr too
haha

you know you love me!

(so enthusiastic at 4:26 in the morning, only me..)

xoxo.

It's like I've waited my whole life.

Don't you hate it when your internet is so slow?
You feel like you can almost break your computer, but you won't because then you won't have a computer to use...
Like right now, my internet is being so slow and I'm sitting here so impatiently waiting for my internet to open the web page I've asked it to open literally 2 minutes ago.

That is slow.
We've all been accustomed to fast everything that our patience has faded with time..When we know that patience is key to a lot of greater things in life.
When you think about it, everything is made fast these days because we cannot imagine a slow meaning of life.
What happened to the manual can openers? Who uses those still? now we can open a can that would take 30 seconds more with a manual can opener than the electric one everyone has now.
What happened to the home cooked meals ? They're slowly getting replaced with Michellina's and Hungryman and all those things you pop in the microwave and voila!

I mean, can't we just all wait ?
Is it patience that's the problem here?
Or have we just have no time in our hands to wait?

Well I know I'm almost yanking out my hair here waiting for my internet to open, because it has never been this slow.
But you know what, it has been slow at one point, when internet was just made...and somewhere down the road of its improvement, computer techs have discovered ways to make it faster so that people don't have to wait.
But I have time. I have nothing else to do.
So I'll sit here and wait.


xoxo.

<3

Just one touch?

please?

xoxo.

what do you call this?

I miss the Philippines...
am I home sick?
but how does that make sense?
when I go to the Philippines and miss Canada, aren't I home sick too?
I wish I could just have the best of both.
In one place.
ALL my family and all my friends in one place.
no snow.
and not really down for the traffic in the Philippines too.

Parents have really been digging in me going to school in the Philippines and I have slim to no problem about that.. it's just that, I don't know how I'm going to feel about the end of the year here. When everyone's going to Laurier, U of T, Ryerson! and I'm going to the Philippines.. I mean how will that even work out?

School ends in June here, school starts in June there!
I'm going to Vancouver and California next year for 2 months...
and I don't really think I'd like to think about school by then.

:(
This just saddens me.
As much as I really wanna stay here too, it will be bittersweet to be away.
I guess I really have two "homes" now, because wherever I go, I miss a place called home. May it be the Philippines or Canada. Dang, now I'm gonna have to be a rich millionaire to be able to afford to go back and forth to prevent missing out on people.

Ugh but I reaaaaaaaaaaallly miss the Philippines.

xoxo.

Yes I can

I realized I've let myself go and that's why I'm sinking.
I've gotta help myself if I wanna get out of this situation.
From now on...
No more blogging about you.
No more tweeting about you.
Nada.
Nada.
Nada.

:)
I believe that I'm VERY happy today, and I can't let your stupid face in my head right now.

Because I met Gabe Bondoc and Leejay Abucayan for the second time, and this time it was REAL close. I mean REAL close. That I could touch them if I raised my hand. I meannn... I tried to keep it cool and not act like the groupie I REALLY am inside. Gabe likes cool, calm and composed girls you know. Gotta keep it to his level.

Loved, loved loved today.
Even though I fought with my mom to go to this gig. It was so worth it, and I'd do it over.

xoxo.

Across the world...

Left: Jasmin Angeles
Right:

they say we're bitching.
aaaaaaand... so?


"Cause we got no time for games, but we still play anyway."



No liver. No lungs.


No heart.

xoxo.

Chances fading now, patience running out. This ain't how it's supposed to be.

On a brighter note, yesterday was tiring. Spent most of the day downtown with some friends. I've got to quit a bad habit.

I met Gabe Bondoc and Leejay for the first time. And Passion a second time.

I love Gabe Bondoc ahhhh, if I already had not made that obvious with my background.
I was willing to do anything to meet him, I even lost my ride and had to go bus home, and walk an hour and a half with boys, downtown. We all know boys don't know their directions... we ended up getting lost, and in the end, just cabbed to the union station.

You see this?
IMAGINE IF AJ RAFAEL CAME.
Wow.
I would sleep in front of his hotel.
Shiiiit, I'd pick him up from the airport!
WITH FLOWERS.


hah.
xoxo.

dedicated

This is dedicated to the nice girls. The ones that stopped playing around because she liked him so much. This is for the ones that constantly made up excuses for him. The ones who defended him because her friends we're telling her she was wasting her time. This is for the girls that was taken advantage of always going to be there at the end of the day because you were left to last minute. This is for when he convinced you he was truly different only to obviously realize he wasn't when you were in too deep already. This is for the times you never even bothered to tell him you had problems because he didn't have that much time to talk to you in the first place, so why waste it talking about problems.. because the talking time was precious since it was fucking rare. This is for the girls who never asked for anything because he didn't have a job. All you asked for was time and even that was hard to get. This is for the girls that put through this bullshit because you're strong. The feelings you had were genuine. Despite the fact that you never asked for anything, never brought problems to the plate, you almost lost your friends from defending him, he never made time for you, you did this because your feelings were authentic. This is for the girls who blame themselves for being in a situation like this because you feel like you have no one to blame but yourself because you brought yourself in this situation. This is for the ones that won't admit to those tears on their pillows.

This is for the girls who are confused about a guy. You're confused because you're debating whether or not his feelings are genuine for you and because you don't know if it's actually going to go somewhere if you confirmed that you like him. If a guy is debating about you, he's not worth it. If he's comparing you to another girl, he's not worth it. You're better than being constantly being pondered and contemplated on. If he's constantly observing and inspecting whether or not he should go for you, ditch his ass. The guy should be thankful he's even around your presence.


from a friend.

shit is true.

xoxo.

...

"Whoever said it's impossible to miss what you never had, never almost had you."

Despite what happened, despite the distance, despite the boys in between. Not gonna lie. Still thinking of you.


xoxo.

:(

Right now it's 1:49 pm, Monday in the Philippines.
I left at 9:00 am on Sunday. More than 24 hours of travel.
I'm not tired. I barely slept on the plane cause I just cant, the seats are so uncomfortable and I hate those bastards in first class who get to lounge around like kings and queens. Psh.
One day, I'll own a private jet.

Anyway, taking off was brutal, I couldn't stop the tears. I just really didn't want to leave. I felt like I was migrating again, my time there was so short.

When we got to Japan, it was getting worse cause by then my dad, mom and brother fell asleep and I stayed awake (I blame it on the co co co co coffee.) Anyway, I was trying to read a book but just couldn't remove my mind from thinking about the last time I had been in that stupid Narita-Tokyo airport waiting so anxiously for my plane to the Philippines. And I sat there wanting to slow down time cause I didn't want to go home. I kept reading reading reading, and if you ask me what happened in those 100 or so pages that I read during that 3 hour stop over, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

Japan to Chicago was still brutal cause same thing, not only was the flight so fucking long... I also couldn't fall asleep. Thanks again coffee. And then I started to get sore throat and I swear it was because of that little boy that sat beside me who sneezed more than he talked.


Chicago to Toronto was HORRIBLE cause now it was hitting me that I was going home... and that once the fuck again, Philippines is 9000 miles away out of my reach. And yeah my right ear was plugged and I was deaf on my right ear until like 30 minutes ago.

I really miss it already.
I might cry:(

xoxo

i miss it already

click on picture?
you almost got me on this one.
psh.

____________________________________________________________________________
Right now, my mom side of my family is throwing us a despidida party, my plane leaves in exactly 11 hours and 42 minutes.

Leaving my lola's house today felt like I never left for Canada and it felt like I was 11 again with fears of being away from the wisest person I know.
I miss her already and I loooove her. My mom and I both cried so much saying good bye and my lola wasn't crying. I remember when I was young she used to tell me to stop crying and I asked her why she doesn't cry and she said, "Naubos na lahat ng luha ko para sa lolo mo." Which in english is "I've cried all my tears for your lolo." Since he died when he was only 45. I only really see her sad when she looks at his pictures.

So today I told her that she better come to Canada soon cause I hate where she lives. She told me that's where she belongs, that her heart's in that "home". I think it's just because she remembers my lolo in that house.

Anyway, she walked us out of her street and seeing her walk back to her house I just felt like my old little self wanting to run to her and ask her to cook me adobo. Or tell on some kid that hit me at school. ='(

i dont want to leave

title says it all.

drinking and doing all that other illegal shit here more than ever. making days worth it.

xoxo.

im not your girl.

I'm sorry.
I live a life of partying
and I like people too easily.
I go through boy phrases.
and I'm not really even done phasing out the other.
So right now I feel like I'm cross phasing.
But once school starts for me
and I go back to land of Tim Horton's and maple leaves,
we're going to forget about each other.
And that's the truth
so i'm sorry.

xoxo.

when it comes to me just forget it.

Seriously I'm so drained. Of energy and emotions. I don't think I've ever been so exhausted from just thinking. This is worse than studying for 11-U Math Exam. For real. Time is so unrealistic sometimes. It goes the slowest when you're anticipating and the fastest when you're enjoying. It's brutal. I can't do this. Why is it going so fast, and yet I still have time to sit here on a Sunday night writing a blog.

I don't know what to think anymore I'm happy that I'm here in the Philippines away from all the stress that I had back home. But since when the hell did I call Canada back home, I swear I refer to the Philippines as back home.

I'm happy that I'm here where my family is. I'm happy that I'm surrounded with familiar faces I grew up with. I did spend more time these friends than any of my other friends in Canada. When we talk, it's like I never left at all, minus the jokes that I can't speak tagalog for my life. Nevertheless, we communicate differently and that is all that's changed. I'm sad that I have to go soon. But the two weeks I have been here, so many things have happened and yes, drama does follow me around, it seems.

I've started to not give a shit long ago and it's just turning me into a female version of the jerks/boys I have encountered before. It sucks but I learned from the best of jerks. Not gonna say any names but I picked up a bunch of styles. I learned not to call back, I learned to lie, I learned to make false promises, I learned to make excuses and I learned to forget. But I'm not heartless I swear, I have feelings for sure. I just really don't know how I'm doing this.

Whatever. Summer fling don't mean a thing...right?

Peace outttt.
xoxo.