There's no easy way to say sorry to the people I hurt on Saturday night. I'm not gonna blame Valentine's day for the consequences of my actions just because I really hate Valentine's and bad things always happen to me on Valentine's.
My point is that I know I made poor choices that night, I know I made a fool out of myself and also others.
By running away and leaving it doesn't help, but I will almost do anything right now to be home again and just be at peace. I realized that running away from the problem does not help--because the problem is within me, and even if I tried leaving it, it's always in the back of my mind.
I'm not gonna reason everything out to me not remembering anything.
I'm not going to try to get people to pity me, I'm just going to try to get people to UNDERSTAND me.
It breaks my heart that this was my second chance with my parents and I blew it. I know they probably don't think I understand the pain I cause them, but I really am trying to and I know I screwed up. I understand if they're mad, I understand if I'm never allowed out of the house ever again. I understand if I never get the taste of alcohol and never get to go to parties unless there's daylight.
I understand the feeling of having their trust broken again, just when it was fixed.
I should have never screamed at my mom, I would have been fine right now.
I should have just slept on it and dealt with it.
But no, I took the coward's way out of things once again.
I have no regrets, even though I want to. I don't regret it. Shit happens. I gotta deal with it now.
Fucking suck it up and move on, whatever happens, happens.
I'm hating myself so much for what I've done but this is not helping, I don't wanna be in an emo hole but I need to get my feelings out.
I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of walking. I'm so tired of wandering around.
I just want to go home.
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