Seriously, things happen too quickly, one day I'm chasing after no one, next, I have all I want and not taking it.
I am SO sorry for putting you through this crap, I already said it many times. My problem is I fall too fast when I'm not even sure and I get myself in shit all the time. It's really NOT you. And trust me, I wanna say yes. Yes to all you offer. But I'm sorry I can't. It sucks that assholes have hurt me before preventing me to trust you. I really can't. My walls are so up high, so closed in, I might as well live in a tall box where no one else can come in. It's surprising me too. Don't throw out words that you are not sure you mean. I miss you like crazy but I won't let myself do it. Inside me I know I like you but I'm just really scared to, again I'm so sorry. I swear, you helped me more than you know. Helped me forget about those jackass that don't deserve my time, and helped me realize there are guys like you out there. Again, like I said, I don't want to be awake on the other side of the world, thinking about you sleeping and I don't want to be asleep when you're awake. I don't wanna be 9000 miles away. Things will change when I leave. Things WON'T be the same after I leave.
I don't want sleepless nights, and I'm not down for heart aches. I TOLD YOU. and it's unfortunate it had to be you.
I can't let myself like you so helplessly then have to cut it short.
TIME. Time. pleaseeee give it time.
I'm so sorry. So sorry. I just can't do it right now.
Don't you ever doubt I DON'T like you.
I would never stop bad habits for just "some guy".
I would never text someone all night, just to tell them not to sleep.
I would never ask anyone to stay up all night and talk with me.
I would never lead someone on.
I would neveeeeeeer lie about liking someone. EVER.
I already said, I'm not going anywhere right now.
I'm just going to chill and think about this okay?
it's up to you to wait or not to wait.
not forcing anything.
fuck myseeeeeelf.
only I would get in shit like this.
fo.real.
xoxo.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
crap.
i've been here for a week already!?
shit.
Last week was crazy cool seeing my friends again seemed like nothing changed, cept I feel like I underestimated what their knowledge is here cause it's seriously the same thing as canada. And seriously, I feel so legal buying cigarettes and alcohol for all my friends. (L)
I wanna move back to Laguna, shit.
Well I got to Batangas last night and it's hella crazy over here with the Aquino clan and Caimbon clan SERIOUSLY combining together. but anyway... i've gotten a total of 3 spa massages in 3 different places in a span of four days and i am still stressed out. I just don't know how I'm supposed to leave now.
I remember saying, I wanna fall in love and break my heart.
No. No. No. I do NOT WANT my wish to come true.
it's just so hard.
why?!?!?!
somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing
and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes
this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right
just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so hard to let go
this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we say it's forever
but this ain't a fantasy
i know you can't come with me
you got your life
friiiiig.
friiig.
frig.
frig.
frig.
xoxo.
shit.
Last week was crazy cool seeing my friends again seemed like nothing changed, cept I feel like I underestimated what their knowledge is here cause it's seriously the same thing as canada. And seriously, I feel so legal buying cigarettes and alcohol for all my friends. (L)
I wanna move back to Laguna, shit.
Well I got to Batangas last night and it's hella crazy over here with the Aquino clan and Caimbon clan SERIOUSLY combining together. but anyway... i've gotten a total of 3 spa massages in 3 different places in a span of four days and i am still stressed out. I just don't know how I'm supposed to leave now.
I remember saying, I wanna fall in love and break my heart.
No. No. No. I do NOT WANT my wish to come true.
it's just so hard.
why?!?!?!
somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing
and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes
this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so hard to let go
this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we say it's forever
but this ain't a fantasy
i know you can't come with me
you got your life
friiiiig.
friiig.
frig.
frig.
frig.
xoxo.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
love runs deep
It's currently 6:06 am , Philippine time. I woke up just to talk to people in Canada.
Anyway I've only been here 4 days and I have loved every bit of it, except the trip to my lola's house. I always knew she lived within the ghetto and shes surrounded by all these people who live off 250 pesos and have 9 children. I used to live in my lola's house but that was 10 years ago and since then homeless people have built houses beside houses made out of steel sheets. 5 years really did make a huge difference too, and I really want my lola to stop living in that house RIGHT NOW. It canNOT be safe in there. She gets teary eyed to the thought of leaving that house as she spent almost 50 years there. But things change, what was once clean and safe 50 years ago is not clean and safe now. When it rains, water gets in her house and floods the floor. There's mice in there.. and it's just too crowded with things she's kept over the years.
My mom and my tita sat down with her and told her she can't keep living there. That this time, she really has to move. This has been an issue for a long time, she just won't leave. Knowing my lola, she's like my mom. She has many inhibitions. Sometimes pessimistic. But her health could be in hazard with the living condition she's in.
I think she's scared of losing the memories she's had in that house I mean, not only my mom's my uncle's and my aunt's childhood were spent there, but also a little bit of mine and my cousins. Most of all, the memories of the beloved love of her life, my lolo's memories. He died when he was only 49, my mom was 13. I think she wants to preserve his aura. Another thing is that, I think my lola sees the house as its old image. But this is it, we're gonna drag her out.
Anyway, I also saw my friends Anya and Jasmin yesterday, and must I say, it's like I took a long vacation, and nothing has changed. It wasn't awkward and I still felt okay to tell them my secrets. It was good catching up, I love them both. I'm sleeping at Jasmin's house tonight, and partying at Paseo de Santa Rosa, which is near my old house. So I'm also gonna see some of my other friends there, and I'm ecstatic about it :)
life's great right now. It's like Canada was only my imagination. Someone might have to drag me out of here to make me leave.
xoxo.
Anyway I've only been here 4 days and I have loved every bit of it, except the trip to my lola's house. I always knew she lived within the ghetto and shes surrounded by all these people who live off 250 pesos and have 9 children. I used to live in my lola's house but that was 10 years ago and since then homeless people have built houses beside houses made out of steel sheets. 5 years really did make a huge difference too, and I really want my lola to stop living in that house RIGHT NOW. It canNOT be safe in there. She gets teary eyed to the thought of leaving that house as she spent almost 50 years there. But things change, what was once clean and safe 50 years ago is not clean and safe now. When it rains, water gets in her house and floods the floor. There's mice in there.. and it's just too crowded with things she's kept over the years.
My mom and my tita sat down with her and told her she can't keep living there. That this time, she really has to move. This has been an issue for a long time, she just won't leave. Knowing my lola, she's like my mom. She has many inhibitions. Sometimes pessimistic. But her health could be in hazard with the living condition she's in.
I think she's scared of losing the memories she's had in that house I mean, not only my mom's my uncle's and my aunt's childhood were spent there, but also a little bit of mine and my cousins. Most of all, the memories of the beloved love of her life, my lolo's memories. He died when he was only 49, my mom was 13. I think she wants to preserve his aura. Another thing is that, I think my lola sees the house as its old image. But this is it, we're gonna drag her out.
Anyway, I also saw my friends Anya and Jasmin yesterday, and must I say, it's like I took a long vacation, and nothing has changed. It wasn't awkward and I still felt okay to tell them my secrets. It was good catching up, I love them both. I'm sleeping at Jasmin's house tonight, and partying at Paseo de Santa Rosa, which is near my old house. So I'm also gonna see some of my other friends there, and I'm ecstatic about it :)
life's great right now. It's like Canada was only my imagination. Someone might have to drag me out of here to make me leave.
xoxo.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Tokyo Narita
So im just in Japan at the airport. Chicago to Japan was 13 hours and the flight was alright. I watched 17 again and Confessions of a Shopaholic. It's amazing that I am still awake because I barely slept and it's like 5 in the morning in Canada. Ugh I almost forgot how uncomfortable I get while landing and my head still hurts. Everything on my blogger right now btw is Japanese so I dont even know what to click. Haha.
Embarassing story, as we left Toronto, we flew by Marcellinus and I YELLED "OH MY GOD I SEE MY SCHOOL I SEE MY SCHOOL" in the plane... only to find about 5 people giving me the "shut the fuck up" face.
Oh whoa I just felt that jet lag feel oh myyyyy.
I think my plane is boarding now though.
And i've thought about a lot of things during the plane ride. That was horrible. I HATE BEING SURROUNDED BY SILENCE.
xoxo
Embarassing story, as we left Toronto, we flew by Marcellinus and I YELLED "OH MY GOD I SEE MY SCHOOL I SEE MY SCHOOL" in the plane... only to find about 5 people giving me the "shut the fuck up" face.
Oh whoa I just felt that jet lag feel oh myyyyy.
I think my plane is boarding now though.
And i've thought about a lot of things during the plane ride. That was horrible. I HATE BEING SURROUNDED BY SILENCE.
xoxo
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dearests...
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Romans 12:9
I seriously wrote myself (and other girls) a motivational/moving on letter.
xoxo.
God is my homeboy.
"So do not worry about tomorrow;
for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
weaker.
"It's not like grade school, when a boy's mean to you, he likes you."
deleted messages, deleted number, deleted msn, deleted pictures, deleted chat logs.
okay, i already had sleepless nights.
okay, i already blogged about you.
okay, i already went semi emo.
OKAY? i admit it.
oh and i know you're fucking happy about it.
go ahead.
flaunt it boy.
xoxo
deleted messages, deleted number, deleted msn, deleted pictures, deleted chat logs.
okay, i already had sleepless nights.
okay, i already blogged about you.
okay, i already went semi emo.
OKAY? i admit it.
oh and i know you're fucking happy about it.
go ahead.
flaunt it boy.
xoxo
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
baby hush hush
Gabs birthday today.
Woke up at 8 this morning to clean so I can go to Joe's. I met up with Mark then we went to Joe's. FINALLY saw Kamil and chilled with him during his lunch, thank goodness it was a long lunch today :)
Aww i missed him. (L)
Anyway. Mark and I ate Asian Flavour then got picked up by Gabs. We went to Mark's house... hella big, he's living a good life in STREETSVILLE. Gabs and I were so jealoussss.
Yeah and now I'm just finishing up packing (y)
So much happier today =D
2 more daysss suckaass
xoxo.
Woke up at 8 this morning to clean so I can go to Joe's. I met up with Mark then we went to Joe's. FINALLY saw Kamil and chilled with him during his lunch, thank goodness it was a long lunch today :)
Aww i missed him. (L)
Anyway. Mark and I ate Asian Flavour then got picked up by Gabs. We went to Mark's house... hella big, he's living a good life in STREETSVILLE. Gabs and I were so jealoussss.
Yeah and now I'm just finishing up packing (y)
So much happier today =D
2 more daysss suckaass
xoxo.
Monday, July 13, 2009
got bruises on my heart, and sometimes i get dark.
Nikka says:
there's texting
there's facebook
there's msn
FUCKING GET AT ME JEEZ
bev.ALCONCEL; said:
I KNOW.
don't tell me you don't have time.
you ALWAYS have time.
Nikka it gets worse at night. said:
yeah-___-
bev.ALCONCEL; said:
text me while you're taking a crap or something.
shit.
i don't care.
hahahah ♥
STAYING STRONGGG
i love bev lmfaoooo
xoxo.
there's texting
there's facebook
there's msn
FUCKING GET AT ME JEEZ
bev.ALCONCEL; said:
I KNOW.
don't tell me you don't have time.
you ALWAYS have time.
Nikka it gets worse at night. said:
yeah-___-
bev.ALCONCEL; said:
text me while you're taking a crap or something.
shit.
i don't care.
hahahah ♥
STAYING STRONGGG
i love bev lmfaoooo
xoxo.
gone
you truly never know what you have til it's gone
then we try to get it all back
what if? i should have, oh and i could have.
it's useless now isn't it?
it's gone.
now you reminisce those shared moments
the moments you cried
the moments you laughed
the moments before everything changed
the moments when you looked at each other and knew you were gonna be there the next day.
those memories are here.
but the future is gone.
nothing else to share.
nothing else to gain.
cause they're gone.
gone before you even thought of them going.
gone before you even saw it coming.
you try to ignore all the flaws you had
you try to ignore all the changes in between
and just recall all the good times spent
you start to blame yourself for not doing what you could have
you can feel low and cry your heart out
but time is everlasting
and since nothing lasts forever
the pain will be gone
gone like he went
gone, gone like the memories
gone, gone like all his feelings
just... gone
you know?
xoxo.
then we try to get it all back
what if? i should have, oh and i could have.
it's useless now isn't it?
it's gone.
now you reminisce those shared moments
the moments you cried
the moments you laughed
the moments before everything changed
the moments when you looked at each other and knew you were gonna be there the next day.
those memories are here.
but the future is gone.
nothing else to share.
nothing else to gain.
cause they're gone.
gone before you even thought of them going.
gone before you even saw it coming.
you try to ignore all the flaws you had
you try to ignore all the changes in between
and just recall all the good times spent
you start to blame yourself for not doing what you could have
you can feel low and cry your heart out
but time is everlasting
and since nothing lasts forever
the pain will be gone
gone like he went
gone, gone like the memories
gone, gone like all his feelings
just... gone
you know?
xoxo.
Ah, when things were simple.
LMFAO IM JUST WATCHING YOUTUBE AND FOUND THIS.
IM DYING lmfao lmfao lmfoa lmfoalmfaofnsjodfna
hahahahahhahaha
Beginning to the end, i laughed my ass off.
i swear its worth watching LOOOL.
xoxo.
IM DYING lmfao lmfao lmfoa lmfoalmfaofnsjodfna
hahahahahhahaha
Beginning to the end, i laughed my ass off.
i swear its worth watching LOOOL.
xoxo.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I never knew I could feel that much about you =\
Yesterday, I spent 80% of my day with Mark just talking about our devastations in life. We went to driving school and I finally finished it after 100 years. Then we went to square, I haven't been there for SO long. We were there for like 9 hours until we finally got picked up. (this is why i need my g2) lol. Got home at 5. Then around 10 he came again picked me up at my house, we walked around heartland drinkin and smokin whatever, head buzzin and feeling so nice. Talked more about our frustrations, and now we just make fun of each other LOOOL.
SPRUNG NIGGAAAAS. We hate this liiiiifeeee.
But freaaal at that point, I forgotttt everything.
If only I could stay there forever.
Whatever, it's getting easier now
xoxo.
P.S. 4 MORE SLEEPS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
SPRUNG NIGGAAAAS. We hate this liiiiifeeee.
But freaaal at that point, I forgotttt everything.
If only I could stay there forever.
Whatever, it's getting easier now
xoxo.
P.S. 4 MORE SLEEPS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
JUST A DREAM
OMG. I had the worst dream but I don't remember the whole thing. To top it all off the weather is scaring me and I wanna hide, I feel like the lightning is gonna break through my window and struck me.
Anyway, the only part I remember in my dream is that there was this cobra that someone was showing me. it was tame but then when it saw me it went wild. So I ran from it but this snake was hella fast. Then I finally got to this house, which happens to be my grandma's house in the Philippines where I spent my childhood years. I slammed the door but it still managed to get me. I couldn't breath, I "half" woke up already and I was hugging my pillow, my pillow case has ruffles on the side. And in my dream right when the cobra was right on my ear and when it was doing that face when it's about to bite you... i FULLY woke up and it doesn't really help that my pillow case is brown and ruffly. I screamed the shit out of me cause I thought it was the snake. But this isn't like the movies where mom and dad come to rush in my room to see what happened.
LOL.
I had to tell myself everything is okay, and went back to sleep.
Oh and then i had another dream, which I don't fully remember, but I do remember a school and my anthro teacher, Ms. Delia's office.
I always interpret my dreams cause I feel like theyre always true.
so.
Snake and chase dreams are commonly familiar.
Being chased often means you are avoiding something in your life; however, being chased by an animal can also be your unexpressed anger which has been projected into that animal.
Seeing and/or being bitten by a snake may be your inner fears or worries. Your dream may be trying to alert you about something in your life you are not currently aware of. Snakes can also symbolize forbidden sexuality.
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
______________________________________________________________________
Teacher
To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream, suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught? Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may be going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.
IM SCARED.
and stupid weather.
xoxo.
Anyway, the only part I remember in my dream is that there was this cobra that someone was showing me. it was tame but then when it saw me it went wild. So I ran from it but this snake was hella fast. Then I finally got to this house, which happens to be my grandma's house in the Philippines where I spent my childhood years. I slammed the door but it still managed to get me. I couldn't breath, I "half" woke up already and I was hugging my pillow, my pillow case has ruffles on the side. And in my dream right when the cobra was right on my ear and when it was doing that face when it's about to bite you... i FULLY woke up and it doesn't really help that my pillow case is brown and ruffly. I screamed the shit out of me cause I thought it was the snake. But this isn't like the movies where mom and dad come to rush in my room to see what happened.
LOL.
I had to tell myself everything is okay, and went back to sleep.
Oh and then i had another dream, which I don't fully remember, but I do remember a school and my anthro teacher, Ms. Delia's office.
I always interpret my dreams cause I feel like theyre always true.
so.
Snake and chase dreams are commonly familiar.
Being chased often means you are avoiding something in your life; however, being chased by an animal can also be your unexpressed anger which has been projected into that animal.
Seeing and/or being bitten by a snake may be your inner fears or worries. Your dream may be trying to alert you about something in your life you are not currently aware of. Snakes can also symbolize forbidden sexuality.
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
______________________________________________________________________
Teacher
To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream, suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught? Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may be going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.
IM SCARED.
and stupid weather.
xoxo.
Friday, July 10, 2009
STOP YOUR DRAMA NIKKA, BE HAPPY.
Some people tell me, that you're not my kind
And I believe them, but I can't get you out of my mind
Some people tell me that I should stay away
Maybe I will... some other day
'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And i don't do always that i should
And I know what makes me happy
And in my heart you're it exactly
I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17
I'll learn my lessons, and I'll make mistakes
And If i get burned (get burned), it'll be my heart to break
It isn't easy, hearing what they say
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith
'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And I'm not gonna do something stupid
Just this once, i wanna feel like
I can do what i want when i hold tight
Anyone, who's ever been in love
Has got to know
What it means to have a dream
And no one can say anything
To change my mind, no, not this time
_________________________________________________
woke up at 8.
drove.
found distractions.
so i went shopping.
and got really agitated.
you're off my mind.
cool.
xoxo.
p.s. i'm missing livejournal so much.
And I believe them, but I can't get you out of my mind
Some people tell me that I should stay away
Maybe I will... some other day
'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And i don't do always that i should
And I know what makes me happy
And in my heart you're it exactly
I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight
Not just only in my dreams
Save my best behavior, for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17
Think i made my mind up, i got time to grow up
Face responsibility
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open
While I'm only 17
I'll learn my lessons, and I'll make mistakes
And If i get burned (get burned), it'll be my heart to break
It isn't easy, hearing what they say
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith
'Cause it feel right
And it feels good
And I'm not gonna do something stupid
Just this once, i wanna feel like
I can do what i want when i hold tight
Anyone, who's ever been in love
Has got to know
What it means to have a dream
And no one can say anything
To change my mind, no, not this time
_________________________________________________
woke up at 8.
drove.
found distractions.
so i went shopping.
and got really agitated.
you're off my mind.
cool.
xoxo.
p.s. i'm missing livejournal so much.
STUPID STUPID RANT RANT @ 4 AM.
6 days til the Philippines.
I don't know what I'm feeling. WHY AM I BEING LIKE THIS.
SNAP OUT OF ITTTTT.
I hate being so unhappy sometimes.
I WANNA CRY I WANNA CRY
BUT I CAN'T!
JUST A PARTY JUST A PARTY
NOTHING DIFFERENT.
I NEED SLEEP.
HOW DOES A PERSON MANAGE TO SLEEP TIGHT WHEN ANOTHER IS UP ALL NIGHT THINKING OF THAT STUPID SHIT
AAAAAAHH
I have driving at frikken 10:00. i need sleep.
This is impairment. im gonna be driving impaired.
With your stupid thoughts in my stupid head.
and your stupid hair and your stupid voice.
stuck in my head where they don't belong.
WHYYYYYY IS THIS HAPPENING
NIKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK.
im talking to myself
IM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT SLEEP.
I WANT TO FAST FORWARD.
I WANT TO AAAAHHHHH
OMGGGGG
i feel myself going crazy.
WHY.
xoxo.
I don't know what I'm feeling. WHY AM I BEING LIKE THIS.
SNAP OUT OF ITTTTT.
I hate being so unhappy sometimes.
I WANNA CRY I WANNA CRY
BUT I CAN'T!
JUST A PARTY JUST A PARTY
NOTHING DIFFERENT.
I NEED SLEEP.
HOW DOES A PERSON MANAGE TO SLEEP TIGHT WHEN ANOTHER IS UP ALL NIGHT THINKING OF THAT STUPID SHIT
AAAAAAHH
I have driving at frikken 10:00. i need sleep.
This is impairment. im gonna be driving impaired.
With your stupid thoughts in my stupid head.
and your stupid hair and your stupid voice.
stuck in my head where they don't belong.
WHYYYYYY IS THIS HAPPENING
NIKKKKAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK.
im talking to myself
IM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT SLEEP.
I WANT TO FAST FORWARD.
I WANT TO AAAAHHHHH
OMGGGGG
i feel myself going crazy.
WHY.
xoxo.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I want a love like.
Love Like by Shihan
I want a love like me, thinking of you, thinking of me,
thinking of you type love
or, me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love
or, hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until he falls
asleep then wonder if he dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what he's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when he's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so he never forgets how much I love him type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about him type love.
Hope that I make him feel as good as he makes me feel, like believing that him being in my life makes me a better person type love or I want him to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with him not saying shit,
then fall asleep then wake up with him right next to me,
and smell him all up in my covers type love
I want to try to counting the ways I love him, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes him happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds like we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when him number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to him until I lose my breath, he leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of him back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to him longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love him as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for him.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same
I want a love that's as unexplainable as he is.
xoxo.
I want a love like me, thinking of you, thinking of me,
thinking of you type love
or, me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love
or, hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until he falls
asleep then wonder if he dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what he's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much when he's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so he never forgets how much I love him type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about him type love.
Hope that I make him feel as good as he makes me feel, like believing that him being in my life makes me a better person type love or I want him to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with him not saying shit,
then fall asleep then wake up with him right next to me,
and smell him all up in my covers type love
I want to try to counting the ways I love him, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes him happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds like we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when him number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to him until I lose my breath, he leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of him back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to him longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love him as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for him.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same
I want a love that's as unexplainable as he is.
xoxo.
just browsin my old fb notes.
And it's funny how i always put myself in this position.
i love my friends.
cristina gave me this last year.
For those confusing days,
when you miss him, and want nothing
more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes its better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station.
When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, dont answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasnt him, and realized that once again, he hadnt called when he said he was going to.
One day, you'll find a guy whose worth all the tears, but he wont make you cry.
You may think that youll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. Its gonna hurt like crap, and its going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.
And it's funny how i always put myself in this position.
i love my friends.
cristina gave me this last year.
For those confusing days,
when you miss him, and want nothing
more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes its better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.
When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station.
When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off.
When he tries coming to your house, dont answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was.
Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasnt him, and realized that once again, he hadnt called when he said he was going to.
One day, you'll find a guy whose worth all the tears, but he wont make you cry.
You may think that youll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. Its gonna hurt like crap, and its going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I FUCKING LOVE VENICIO <3
Today, Harriet came over at like 12:30 and brought her brother to see my brother. I told her I wanted ice cream because boys are buggin. Anyway, today I just spent my day with Francesca and Samantha because I miss them and we had a good bffffl talk about life and last night and who we gonnnna marry hahaha. Harriet's still "here" she went to go drop off Miguel. I was bad again today.
Anyway, Harriet's right, I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts cause this is killing me. I dont know how I always manage to always care more. I don't wanna say I hate boys because that's just their nature. Learning is fucking hard and I just gotta be headstrong riiiiiight?
I told Venicio what happened... And I agreed it's my doing that I'm thinking about it too much. I love him so much for keeeeeping me grounded right now. I didn't spill to anyone else.
I reallyyyyy would like to forget.
But why is it so hard to not care?
Honestly, I liked you. like ? liked? like?
xoxo.
Today, Harriet came over at like 12:30 and brought her brother to see my brother. I told her I wanted ice cream because boys are buggin. Anyway, today I just spent my day with Francesca and Samantha because I miss them and we had a good bffffl talk about life and last night and who we gonnnna marry hahaha. Harriet's still "here" she went to go drop off Miguel. I was bad again today.
Anyway, Harriet's right, I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts cause this is killing me. I dont know how I always manage to always care more. I don't wanna say I hate boys because that's just their nature. Learning is fucking hard and I just gotta be headstrong riiiiiight?
I told Venicio what happened... And I agreed it's my doing that I'm thinking about it too much. I love him so much for keeeeeping me grounded right now. I didn't spill to anyone else.
I reallyyyyy would like to forget.
But why is it so hard to not care?
Honestly, I liked you. like ? liked? like?
xoxo.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Here's my lousy excuse for moving on.
Today was such a long day. It seems so because I woke up at 8:00 and did not start doing shit until like 5:00 =| omg, stupid suite life. And freal, I'm happy I'm moving back to the house tomorrow even though we don't have shit in our house. No Tv, no internet. Yeah I know it's like Ice age.
Anyway, today, I didn't eat all day because I wasn't really hungry but then my mom brought MCDONALD'S which I have been successful in avoiding for about 2 years. Now, it seems to be catching up on me. I've been having like Sundaes and McFlurry's every 2 days and actually I had one yesterday too. Yeah, I had fries too and after feeling so guilty about eating all that nasty things that can potentially clog my arteries, I felt the need to run. So I worked out (thank goodness for the gym inside the building) for 45 minutes, since there's like no equipments in the hotel gym anyway.
While I was running, I had the reddest face and fucking work out face/panting mode on and I look at the mirror and see the frikken BASEBALL BOYS STARING AT ME. No one is ever at my fucking hotel WTF!
So embarassing, my shirt was half falling, exposing my bra and crap and to top that all off I was wearing my cheerleading shorts, which is like 5 inches of spandex LMFAO. and it was definitely riding up. But it's all good that they saw me working out rather than eating, LOL.
Anyway, at 8:30 Gaelen picked me up and we watched transformers 2 with Krista, Patrich and Uzair. Right when I got my ticket, I lost it. Yuuuuup. I lose things so easily oh my. But tell me how we ended up watching the movie at 10:30 LOL.
But fucking Shia LeBouf is sexy, what a tank.
And Megan Fox is a SEEEXXXYYY too. HOMO<3
Yes, I still love Shia more.
Transformers was UNREAL. I'm still thinking about it, fucking blew my miiiinddd.
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. Buffalo tomorrow (or should i say today ? cause its 1:38 am. i just got home literally 20 minutes ago. gonna change the blogging time.)
Buffalo at 6 IN THE MORNING.
It's 4th of July tomorrow in the States so I'm expecting some craaaazeeee.
I LOVE TRANSFORMERS!!!!!!
now, i must fall asleep to Family channel, yeah Cory in the House.
PEACE.
yknow you love me
xoxo.
Anyway, today, I didn't eat all day because I wasn't really hungry but then my mom brought MCDONALD'S which I have been successful in avoiding for about 2 years. Now, it seems to be catching up on me. I've been having like Sundaes and McFlurry's every 2 days and actually I had one yesterday too. Yeah, I had fries too and after feeling so guilty about eating all that nasty things that can potentially clog my arteries, I felt the need to run. So I worked out (thank goodness for the gym inside the building) for 45 minutes, since there's like no equipments in the hotel gym anyway.
While I was running, I had the reddest face and fucking work out face/panting mode on and I look at the mirror and see the frikken BASEBALL BOYS STARING AT ME. No one is ever at my fucking hotel WTF!
So embarassing, my shirt was half falling, exposing my bra and crap and to top that all off I was wearing my cheerleading shorts, which is like 5 inches of spandex LMFAO. and it was definitely riding up. But it's all good that they saw me working out rather than eating, LOL.
Anyway, at 8:30 Gaelen picked me up and we watched transformers 2 with Krista, Patrich and Uzair. Right when I got my ticket, I lost it. Yuuuuup. I lose things so easily oh my. But tell me how we ended up watching the movie at 10:30 LOL.
But fucking Shia LeBouf is sexy, what a tank.
And Megan Fox is a SEEEXXXYYY too. HOMO<3
Yes, I still love Shia more.
Transformers was UNREAL. I'm still thinking about it, fucking blew my miiiinddd.
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. Buffalo tomorrow (or should i say today ? cause its 1:38 am. i just got home literally 20 minutes ago. gonna change the blogging time.)
Buffalo at 6 IN THE MORNING.
It's 4th of July tomorrow in the States so I'm expecting some craaaazeeee.
I LOVE TRANSFORMERS!!!!!!
now, i must fall asleep to Family channel, yeah Cory in the House.
PEACE.
yknow you love me
xoxo.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I need you like water, like breath, like rain.
I think I need to tell you I like you. Or I can just be stupid and let the feelings go away. I choose plan B. Skip the heartache, don't need it right now.
Anyway, today I had driving at 4:00, Harriet dropped off her brother at my house so her brother and my brother could chill. I think it's kinna cute that our brothers are bestfriends and we are too. Cute tiiiimes. Anyway, driving was boring. I got home and I THOUGHT I had in class. So I got my dad to drive me to driving school, saw Enzo at his work, what a trooper cutting hair ahaha. Anyway, I'm a fail and did not really have driving school and my dad was pissed cause he had to drive me and he was tired. So we drove to our house because they said the boxes came in and shit.
Then, Harriet picked me up from my house. (we had to clean and crap). Chilled with Ralph, Alfie my boyfriend, and "Miguel" which is Joaqui in my world. The boys got beer for Wasaga tomorrow. Me and Harriet held hands when we went to walmart, I lost a bet and refused to do the real deal and instead bought her a Sundae cone.
So whateverrrr now I'm just chillin watching Real world.
I reached 601 tweets today and I feel accomplished. MLIA.
I want youuu so bad so bad so bad.
yknow you love me.
xoxo.
Anyway, today I had driving at 4:00, Harriet dropped off her brother at my house so her brother and my brother could chill. I think it's kinna cute that our brothers are bestfriends and we are too. Cute tiiiimes. Anyway, driving was boring. I got home and I THOUGHT I had in class. So I got my dad to drive me to driving school, saw Enzo at his work, what a trooper cutting hair ahaha. Anyway, I'm a fail and did not really have driving school and my dad was pissed cause he had to drive me and he was tired. So we drove to our house because they said the boxes came in and shit.
Then, Harriet picked me up from my house. (we had to clean and crap). Chilled with Ralph, Alfie my boyfriend, and "Miguel" which is Joaqui in my world. The boys got beer for Wasaga tomorrow. Me and Harriet held hands when we went to walmart, I lost a bet and refused to do the real deal and instead bought her a Sundae cone.
So whateverrrr now I'm just chillin watching Real world.
I reached 601 tweets today and I feel accomplished. MLIA.
I want youuu so bad so bad so bad.
yknow you love me.
xoxo.
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