It can never satisfy.

I'm in a mood right now so bare with me as this might have some emotional rants and some issues that I have long long put aside for awhile now. I haven't been dwelling on the negatives in my life recently and yes it has been making me a lot happier and life a little bit easier but unfortunately, I have reached a mellow point right now where I'm sitting in here trying so hard not to feel the way I do and disregard the feelings that I have. Which now that I think about it, cannot be very healthy... I also realized that being nice, like how I've been and not complaining as much or at all (compared to how I used to) the sake of saving face, but at the end of the day there's just these unsaid things and discarded feelings that have been banked up to the side, and you thought you forgot all about it...until you remember and it starts digging up a hole of things you should have said and things you kept to yourself. I still choose to keep those to myself.
Except one.

I absolutely hate any comment about my weight.

I can honestly say that it's only okay for ME to talk about my weight. It's only okay for ME to say I was fat and now I'm too skinny blah blah blah, but when people say it to me... I cringe and it takes a LOT of willpower and strength to just nod, smile and walk away. Yes, I am quite aware of the huge weight I lost (about 15 pounds in the last year or so) and for some that might not be a lot but for a person who weighed almost 120 pounds, okay my highest weight was 122 and wtf I'm 5'2" (at that time I would never admit I was 122, it only lasted for like a month anyway) but I was probably at a steady rate of 118. I never thought that I'd hate when people say I'm too skinny. "Too skinny"? what does that even mean?! I hate it.

And you talk to me like I don't notice.

Yes, I step on the scale and it now reads 103. 104.5 on good days. I wear size 24 jeans, even fit in 23's. I never go beyond 0 or 2, xxs... and XS in forever 21?! YES. I've had recent occasions of XS being big on me.

Don't even get me started with my boobs because that's the best part about all of this.
Girls would kill to have double D's.

HAVE THEM.

I can't handle it.
I don't understand... I just.... it does NOT make sense how I can lose 15 pounds and stay the same cup size. No, it is not my birth control because I was always a DD before I even got on it. Yeah, I'm skinny and big boobs, why don't I want it? Why don't I like it? Why am I struggling like an idiot to like my self-image?

I don't know. Maybe because when I was bigger I wanted to be smaller now that I'm smaller, no one likes it? No wait, I can't even learn to like it. My parents always telling me to eat and I know they're serious when they ask me if I have an eating disorder. No. Fact is I love food, I love eating, and I built up my metabolism throughout time I guess and now I don't gain as much weight. I'm trying. I'm trying to work with it.

I think I reached rock bottom the other day when I just bawled my eyes out after purchasing this bathing suit that was a Large top and an XS bottom and realized how unproportioned I looked like and how I look so wrong having such huuuuuuge boobs for a small body. I cried in an instant and I just sat there like kinda laughing at the same time in this mood thinking to myself that I just need to love the way I am now and that I probably have nothing to worry about and it's all in my head. Then I went to a family party where I was constantly told how "skinny" I looked...Where I was constantly asked if I eat properly and how I lost the weight. Then my tita today at church and I quote "Tama na ha, mag pataba ka na ulit ng onti" (For those reading my blog Idk why, but that means 'it's enough okay, gain some weight again') doesn't sound that bad in english, but in tagalog it's a little bit more sarcastic and pity. Like why do people talk in their voice with concern that I'm like battling an eating disorder.

It's all good.

I want to be content with the way I look. That's all. I know that if I just look away from the mirror, that I'm probably more than fine the way I am right now but I just can't tolerate any comments about my weight.

Blew off the steam.
xoxo.

Nostalgia

When it kicks in, it pretty much puts you in a stage where you will experience the sweet agony and medley of feelings. This is probably going to be long. For so long, I've lived day-to-day, aimlessly or not seeming to have a purpose. My, have I wasted my time. Things happen for a reason though and they happened for me in the exact way that He planned. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be like this, I wouldn't have an appreciation for the things I have in life if it weren't for all the stupendous events and as well as the splendid ones that have happened to me.

I promised to write about why I want to go back to the Philippines.

Is it too much to ask really? Is it too selfish? I don't know. For me, recently, I have been sitting in my bed silently thinking about a lot of things that I haven't really given much thought...Haven't thought of it ever, maybe. Here, in this same spot in my bed thinking of what kind of future I want to have, what kind of people I want to be surrounded with. I've always had the privilege to live a good life with my parents striving for my brother and I and never letting us go astray. It really comes down to the values that I have created for myself which my parents have thoroughly molded throughout the years. What I'm trying to say is, well I don't really know. I can't type fast enough to express the thoughts I'm having right now. Pause.

What I'm trying to say is, when I sit here and think of my life and how I've lived it having moved from the Philippines and grown up with my Lola... I want my kids to experience the same things I did. Not that teaching them values won't suffice but I want them to experience the things that I did. In my opinion, my childhood ROCKED. (Here is where nostalgia hits again). All those weekday mornings in my lola's living room watching whatever afternoon show was on, Magandang Tanghali Bayan was usually my show, eating her chicken adobo or whatever she has prepared for me... Dancing in the rain with my playmates, riding tricycles with my yaya in horrible traffic. Oh man. I had the best childhood. What I really am striving for is to give half what I've been privileged to see to my offspring. I now know how my parents feel when they tell all those stories "back when I was a boy..." or my mom, "when I was still dalaga..." It's unexplainable. Personal experiences. I want a future that will have a sentimental meaning, I want to hold on to what I have always known. I know you can't always. But this is how I genuinely want to live my life. I want my future kids to discover God for themselves, but lead them in that direction. I'm gonna be honest, living in Canada/North America can really disdain spirituality. It's a mixture of different cultures and some people are so lax about church and their faith.

I can't be like that. Church is a must. Rosary is a must. Praying is a must.

Over all, I just want to live a life full of chicken adobo and prayer.
If I have to say it in a basically kind of way.

xoxo.

Overview

- $$$
- Packing to move!
- 3 weeks to go
- Good vibes
- TFC
- FOOD FOOD FOOD
- Drop Everything And Pray, 12:10
- Marshalls
- Horrible spending habits
- Must stop.
- Is this the real life?
- Lancer!!!
- Spring
- Flowers, lace, LOVE
- Friends and drinks
- Lorien
- Lack of inspiration and motivation
- Nice > Bitchy

He Won't Go

He can't do it on his own.
Will he still love me even when he's free? Or will he go back to the place where he'd choose the poison over me?

xoxo

Yay!

For nice weather to come this week! Today, I went to the mall with Mike and I didn't know it was going to actually be somewhat hot but when I found out it was, I went to get myself some coral flippy flops from h&m. It was fun to shop around with Mike haha he's not a typical guy who would get impatient in a store... He even came with me inside MAC and helped me pick out my lipstick, LOL :) We also got a pair of shoes each, he got Sperry's and I got some Keds... Which I'm still debating about whether or not I should return it.

Anyway, I've been chasing that chedda chedda cheese this past week and today was my only day off. I took someone's shift for tomorrow so I'm working again, which I don't mind at all... I have another day off on Thursday! I'm sleepy and I'm tired.

xoxo

01. In the end, it is worth it all.