Uninspired

I used to read. I mean, A LOT. I used to rent out books from the library and have them finished the next day. I used to write. A LOT. About anything, about nothing. I have been so lazy and uninspired for the last 2 years that I haven't been the same "me" that I used to be. Every time I read old things I've written in the past... they don't even sound like my own words anymore I mean, I used to have a tad bit of brilliancy. Yeah, it's a little surprising for me, I have seriously given myself less credit than I deserve.

I'm in dire need of something rejuvenating that will spark up some new interests in my life again, like books and how I used to love words and I still do. I think it's still somewhat apparent...But I used to love words the way someone wouldn't really be able to understand. Language and the composure of works left me in awe and I always wanted to read and write all sorts of combination of words.

What happened to me!!!!
(School, boys, alcohol, facebook and tumblr, that's what)

I'm going to start reading avidly again, I know I still have that interest in me, I've been sleeping on it and have restricted myself from that pleasure I used to get from reading and replaced it with lousy doings.

When I saw how many books I own today, it just really came crashing to me how long I've put it off. I replaced my leafs with the computer and TV screen, I'm disappointed in myself.

xoxo.

Excited!

June has so far been very strenuous because of all the moving. Not to mention in all that packing and moving ALSO trying to squeeze in some time for my birthday and father's day etc etc. However, I'm happy that it is finally coming to a short halt... or maybe "pause" is a better word to use. I am leaving to Florida on Sunday with my family and there, we will be meeting my cousins from California. We're spending 8 days in the Sunshine State! Yay :) I'm so excited because not only do I get to spend time with my family again, but I also get to see my cousins again AAAAAND I finally get to feel like it really is summer because I haven't had time to actually relax, relax it has been all work or just bumming around at home (which is not really relaxing more like slothing out -_-).

Anyway, I do still have to work an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow and then on Sunday we are off to Florida! I'm ready to just kick it and just have fun in Orlando and Miami and good ol' family bonding is never bad for anyone! I'm really glad that we're going so that my brother finally comes out of his dungeon which is the basement, since we moved I haven't seen him cause everything he needs is in the basement....literally. He's got a mini fridge and a bathroom in there, I only see him when he's coming home to go down there. Sigh, teenagers. Lol.

xoxo.

19!

BIRTHDAY WEEK! From June 5th to June 10th. Photo heavy :)


June 5th- Had lunch at Spoon and Fork with my family after going to church :) Food was so amazing and I usually don't get my money's worth in buffets because I eat so small even though I really like sushi sometimes I can only eat so much. My parents were actually shocked at how much I ate hahaha. It was so delicious, I definitely recommend it to everyone and best believe I will be returning very soon!




Then on June 7th Lorenzo took me to Skybar to see J. Cole. He knew I wanted to go because he's only my favorite rapper in the world and also because it was my birthday eve and I wanted to do something fun! I couldn't have had a better birthday eve. Skybar is just so amazing and the fact that I got in with my own id (I don't think they even checked my birthday lol) was just so exciting! Lorenzo ended up getting me like 56789456789 drinks so it's safe to say I was pretty drunk (not pretty drunk, I passed out in his car on the way home LOL) and what better way to spend my birthday than J. Cole, nightlife, Lorenzo and some drinks?! Goes down as one of the most amazing nights ever. Ever.






My actual birthday (June 8th) consisted of unexpected birthday deliveries and packing! I figured since I already had a blast the night before (and woke up still tipsy) that I would just you know, spend the day relaxing. The plan was to go to the spa but I could NOT drive in my condition, I swear I was still drunk. So I had to cancel my appointment :( I had to pack for moving anyway. Gabs came over to help me... Later on the day Enzo had another surprise for me and he took me out for dinner and gave me a mint chocolate ice cream cake! My favorite flavor lol. Dianne gave me a new fishy and some cold stone ice cream sandwiches and Cristina gave me chocolate cake! They were all amazing and I tried to eat them all haha. I have to say, wow my friends are so creative with their birthday cards... I seriously don't know how I can top them! My birthday was amazing. I was sad I didn't get to go to church but I made sure I prayed forever that night.






Friday was just fantastic! My girls (and some guys, haha) went to TIME night club and just partied all night. Music and crowd was amazing and from what I heard, everyone had tonnes of fun! I was happy and very very content with what I had that night. It was more than enough to have the people I love around me all at the same time and together we just had the time of our lives! After clubbing, Phincy, Dianne and I went home to my house and ate our Jr. Chickens and fries ahahah. Couldn't get any better than that!

I woke up the next morning still unable to move my feet. Sign of a very good night. I had bruises all over and my hair was all yuck but I woke up super happy! I am so blessed with the people in my life, family, friends, boyfriend. I had a very very very very good birthday this year and I just appreciated everyone and everything so much more. From everything I learned from the past and from last year's very stressful birthday I am just so glad to say I was genuinely happy this year. I feel like I was at a happy and satisfied place where I have never been before. God continues to shower me with blessings and I cannot thank Him or anyone enough for everything I have today. I can be undeserving yet I am not resented these gifts! I'm so so so happy. It couldn't have been better.

xoxo.

Thank You

For always believing and for never giving up on me. I know times are rough and I give you a hard time. I know that sometimes my actions suggest for you to just leave me alone and move on. I can be cruel and mean and very indecisive and I don't know how you keep up with it. Though you've hurt me, I know I've hurt you just as much and even when I push you away, you keep trying and you never show any chance of you leaving me. Thanks for not listening when I tell you to just give up, that it's useless and that we're never going to be the same anymore. I've always wanted to see you try... I guess I never really looked how hard you were trying. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait this long for me to change my outlook but I know that you understand that I haven't been the strongest and that I haven't always seen the glass half full in our relationship. Nonetheless, you stick by me. Ironic how I always asked you to just make me feel special and I don't know how I never did but now that I stop to think about all the effort you've given in the last 2 months, I really should start believing you.

We've talked about trust in our relationship and I know I was always on your ass for everything you did, but you have to understand... it wasn't that I didn't trust you, it was that I was trying to find a trust in you again. Thank you for the freedom you've given me! I know it was hard for you to just let me go and let me be but it gave me a lot of breathing space that I needed. WE both needed.

For the last 3 months, I know that I haven't been the most co-operative. I cut you off, ignored you, fought with you... Yet, I don't know how you can still wake up every morning and tell me you missed me. I was bitter for a long time and you still put up with me. Man, when I would PMS and brought hell on earth for you WOW, I don't know how you're still here. Seriously. I can be a psycho bitch when I PMS. When I'm back to normal is when I really realize just how I much I actually put you through.

I'm sowwy :(

Thank you for standing by me and still telling me you love me everyday of the week. I know that you really do. I'm trying to find my way back. I really am.

xoxo

It can never satisfy.

I'm in a mood right now so bare with me as this might have some emotional rants and some issues that I have long long put aside for awhile now. I haven't been dwelling on the negatives in my life recently and yes it has been making me a lot happier and life a little bit easier but unfortunately, I have reached a mellow point right now where I'm sitting in here trying so hard not to feel the way I do and disregard the feelings that I have. Which now that I think about it, cannot be very healthy... I also realized that being nice, like how I've been and not complaining as much or at all (compared to how I used to) the sake of saving face, but at the end of the day there's just these unsaid things and discarded feelings that have been banked up to the side, and you thought you forgot all about it...until you remember and it starts digging up a hole of things you should have said and things you kept to yourself. I still choose to keep those to myself.
Except one.

I absolutely hate any comment about my weight.

I can honestly say that it's only okay for ME to talk about my weight. It's only okay for ME to say I was fat and now I'm too skinny blah blah blah, but when people say it to me... I cringe and it takes a LOT of willpower and strength to just nod, smile and walk away. Yes, I am quite aware of the huge weight I lost (about 15 pounds in the last year or so) and for some that might not be a lot but for a person who weighed almost 120 pounds, okay my highest weight was 122 and wtf I'm 5'2" (at that time I would never admit I was 122, it only lasted for like a month anyway) but I was probably at a steady rate of 118. I never thought that I'd hate when people say I'm too skinny. "Too skinny"? what does that even mean?! I hate it.

And you talk to me like I don't notice.

Yes, I step on the scale and it now reads 103. 104.5 on good days. I wear size 24 jeans, even fit in 23's. I never go beyond 0 or 2, xxs... and XS in forever 21?! YES. I've had recent occasions of XS being big on me.

Don't even get me started with my boobs because that's the best part about all of this.
Girls would kill to have double D's.

HAVE THEM.

I can't handle it.
I don't understand... I just.... it does NOT make sense how I can lose 15 pounds and stay the same cup size. No, it is not my birth control because I was always a DD before I even got on it. Yeah, I'm skinny and big boobs, why don't I want it? Why don't I like it? Why am I struggling like an idiot to like my self-image?

I don't know. Maybe because when I was bigger I wanted to be smaller now that I'm smaller, no one likes it? No wait, I can't even learn to like it. My parents always telling me to eat and I know they're serious when they ask me if I have an eating disorder. No. Fact is I love food, I love eating, and I built up my metabolism throughout time I guess and now I don't gain as much weight. I'm trying. I'm trying to work with it.

I think I reached rock bottom the other day when I just bawled my eyes out after purchasing this bathing suit that was a Large top and an XS bottom and realized how unproportioned I looked like and how I look so wrong having such huuuuuuge boobs for a small body. I cried in an instant and I just sat there like kinda laughing at the same time in this mood thinking to myself that I just need to love the way I am now and that I probably have nothing to worry about and it's all in my head. Then I went to a family party where I was constantly told how "skinny" I looked...Where I was constantly asked if I eat properly and how I lost the weight. Then my tita today at church and I quote "Tama na ha, mag pataba ka na ulit ng onti" (For those reading my blog Idk why, but that means 'it's enough okay, gain some weight again') doesn't sound that bad in english, but in tagalog it's a little bit more sarcastic and pity. Like why do people talk in their voice with concern that I'm like battling an eating disorder.

It's all good.

I want to be content with the way I look. That's all. I know that if I just look away from the mirror, that I'm probably more than fine the way I am right now but I just can't tolerate any comments about my weight.

Blew off the steam.
xoxo.

Nostalgia

When it kicks in, it pretty much puts you in a stage where you will experience the sweet agony and medley of feelings. This is probably going to be long. For so long, I've lived day-to-day, aimlessly or not seeming to have a purpose. My, have I wasted my time. Things happen for a reason though and they happened for me in the exact way that He planned. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be like this, I wouldn't have an appreciation for the things I have in life if it weren't for all the stupendous events and as well as the splendid ones that have happened to me.

I promised to write about why I want to go back to the Philippines.

Is it too much to ask really? Is it too selfish? I don't know. For me, recently, I have been sitting in my bed silently thinking about a lot of things that I haven't really given much thought...Haven't thought of it ever, maybe. Here, in this same spot in my bed thinking of what kind of future I want to have, what kind of people I want to be surrounded with. I've always had the privilege to live a good life with my parents striving for my brother and I and never letting us go astray. It really comes down to the values that I have created for myself which my parents have thoroughly molded throughout the years. What I'm trying to say is, well I don't really know. I can't type fast enough to express the thoughts I'm having right now. Pause.

What I'm trying to say is, when I sit here and think of my life and how I've lived it having moved from the Philippines and grown up with my Lola... I want my kids to experience the same things I did. Not that teaching them values won't suffice but I want them to experience the things that I did. In my opinion, my childhood ROCKED. (Here is where nostalgia hits again). All those weekday mornings in my lola's living room watching whatever afternoon show was on, Magandang Tanghali Bayan was usually my show, eating her chicken adobo or whatever she has prepared for me... Dancing in the rain with my playmates, riding tricycles with my yaya in horrible traffic. Oh man. I had the best childhood. What I really am striving for is to give half what I've been privileged to see to my offspring. I now know how my parents feel when they tell all those stories "back when I was a boy..." or my mom, "when I was still dalaga..." It's unexplainable. Personal experiences. I want a future that will have a sentimental meaning, I want to hold on to what I have always known. I know you can't always. But this is how I genuinely want to live my life. I want my future kids to discover God for themselves, but lead them in that direction. I'm gonna be honest, living in Canada/North America can really disdain spirituality. It's a mixture of different cultures and some people are so lax about church and their faith.

I can't be like that. Church is a must. Rosary is a must. Praying is a must.

Over all, I just want to live a life full of chicken adobo and prayer.
If I have to say it in a basically kind of way.

xoxo.

Overview

- $$$
- Packing to move!
- 3 weeks to go
- Good vibes
- TFC
- FOOD FOOD FOOD
- Drop Everything And Pray, 12:10
- Marshalls
- Horrible spending habits
- Must stop.
- Is this the real life?
- Lancer!!!
- Spring
- Flowers, lace, LOVE
- Friends and drinks
- Lorien
- Lack of inspiration and motivation
- Nice > Bitchy

He Won't Go

He can't do it on his own.
Will he still love me even when he's free? Or will he go back to the place where he'd choose the poison over me?

xoxo

Yay!

For nice weather to come this week! Today, I went to the mall with Mike and I didn't know it was going to actually be somewhat hot but when I found out it was, I went to get myself some coral flippy flops from h&m. It was fun to shop around with Mike haha he's not a typical guy who would get impatient in a store... He even came with me inside MAC and helped me pick out my lipstick, LOL :) We also got a pair of shoes each, he got Sperry's and I got some Keds... Which I'm still debating about whether or not I should return it.

Anyway, I've been chasing that chedda chedda cheese this past week and today was my only day off. I took someone's shift for tomorrow so I'm working again, which I don't mind at all... I have another day off on Thursday! I'm sleepy and I'm tired.

xoxo

01. In the end, it is worth it all.

Well you stood there in front of me just close enough to touch

Le Sigh.
I can't believe that since the end of school (Last Thursday, April 21st) I have not once fully actually slept in past 9:00. It really boggled my mind how my body was still holding up through all the stress and sleeplessness I've been going through. But I think it's finally starting to take its toll. I've been so tired lately and it doesn't help that my work hours are HECTIC. And I mean, hectic. I basically have a full time job right now, which I am in no way complaining about because this workplace is absolutely chill! I mean okay no, not right now, not the craziness that is going on because the store is still hyped up because it just opened. I mean the fact that the managers are so humble and very welcoming, it definitely sets a warm environment in the store and I don't feel like I'm being told what to do because even in reality that I am, they are there on the associates level on their feet doing more things than they have asked us to do. It's a huge jump from retail that I knew before. I don't feel pressured, belittled or intimidated.

I can say I'm satisfied right now with how life is going even though problems spark up every now and then. Some things that used to irritate me, I have just decided to not give a care about and wow, what a difference that makes! There has been a lot of time lent on soul searching if I may say, these few days that I have had almost no sleep. Some circumstances have opened my eyes to the privileges I have been forgetting and the people that truly matter. Even without much energy to spare, if you use it on things or people that are really your priority, life is so much easier. It's not hard to be happy if I just take things as they are. If I don't complain, if I don't demand, if I give with gratitude no matter for the things in return. I don't know why I never acted upon it. I mean these are common knowledge and morals that I've been taught over and over and over and for once, instead of letting it out on the other ear, retaining it has been working so much better for me.

I have to say though, that being such a patient person is not as easy, being nice isn't either. It opens up your eyes to how cruel others can be and most definitely revealed how cruel I have been myself. It's never too late for a new beginning and you shouldn't wait to start anew. I realized that okay, I have been an "honest" person but not in the nicest way all the time, there's always a better way to do things. Honestly, I just don't want to be forgotten one day because I was only nice to people I knew or I was bossy and I was bitchy to people around me. I have been that and I chose to be that way for a really long time. It's not the right thing anymore though. It's not okay to just get my way all the time while hurting others. Things like these are what have been running through my mind lately. This is just actually a jist of it. I have spent time at night thinking about what needs to change.

Never underestimate your faith,
God is so good.
xoxo

And if there's a thing that you need...

Passion still does it.
xoxo.

I have been so out of the loop!

I've been too busy to even update blogspot. I've been running around for what seems like everywhere using the 0 energy that I have. Even after long exam weeks I still haven't caught a breather with it being holy week and all having to go to church late at night and early in the morning and such, which I don't mind. Although it's really starting to take a toll on my energy level and creating bags under my eyes which are becoming harder and harder to conceal by the minute. Even now 3 am I'm still wide awake... My sleeping pattern has been thoroughly messed up.

I just want to do quick point form updates:
- Finished first year of university! Been a long road g'damn!
- No one will ever understand why it had to be you AJ, rest in paradise, we all miss you. See you soon.
- Easter easter! Means I'm back on Facebook and back on tumblr :) and I can eat chocolate yay!
- Giving up BBM was NOT a good idea because I apparently did not have unlimited text when I already pay $65 for my phone, how ridic, imagine my frustration when I found out I got charged $317 for text! WHAT
- I've been thinking of seriously moving back to the Philippines one day. One day. I will have an explanation for that in a completely different and elaborate blog.
- I miss my Lola.
- I just want to rest.
- I can't even party.
- Winter came back.
- No woman, no cry!

xoxo

The Scholars

During my Literature exam yesterday, I had to close read one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read in my life. I actually smiled and thought to myself "hm isn't that so sweet" I don't know what it is... I just really admire the simplicity and the meaning of this poem plus, I always enjoyed Yeats' works.

"The Scholars" by W.B. Yeats

Bald heads, forgetful of their sins,
Old, learned, respectable bald heads
Edit and annotate the lines
That young men, tossing on their beds,
Rhymed out in love's despair
To flatter beauty's ignorant ear.

All shuffle there, all cough in ink;
All wear the carpet with their shoes;
All think what other people think;
All know the man their neighbour knows.
Lord, what would they say
Did their Catullus walk that way?

-- William Butler Yeats

xoxo

We danced and fell in love on a slow jam

Play another slow jam, this time make it sweet.

xoxo

Out with the old in with the new

Pause.
I am exhausted. I've been in the library studying my ass off since last Sunday. This week I literally spent more time in the library actually studying than at home! Wow. The only break I got was Ke$ha's concert (WILD WILD WILD CRAZY WILD). The next day I was back in the library at 10 am in the morning and stayed there til 5 and went to work 6-10. Came back the next morning again at 9 am, wrote my exam at 4, finished at 7... Had to drive from UTM all the way to pick up my brother and got home at 8:00. From 8:00 I started stripping down my room out of everything that is not very "showy" material as my parents would say.I was totally drained though from the long week I've had so I crashed pretty early at 12:30.
I woke up this morning to resume my cleaning but I'm trying to multitask my reading with it so I have Sparknotes open as I clean out my closet.

I'm kind of sad to be leaving my room behind... putting it back to how it used to be and giving it to someone else soon. They will never know the sentimental value of this room. They will never be aware of the moments that were lived in here. I spent most of my teenage years in this room. I grew up in here. I cried, screamed, yelled, punched walls (not hard enough to make a hole lol I'm so weak) in this room. I also learned the guitar, crammed for tests, sang terribly, laughed and cuddled in this room. It'll be someone else living in here and they will never know the value of my room. I will miss this place. I hate to be packing all of it in boxes right now.

It's such a nice day out though, I think I'm gonna go out for a walk to rub off my gloominess.

xoxo.

I'm dreading this.

CIN205Y5 (Cinema studies) exam tomorrow.
Damn, I shoulda gone to all those movie screenings. Fuck it.

xoxo.

Ke$ha

Get $LEAZY was amaziiiiing it's one of those things that can't ever be described well enough to amount to the actual moments of the event. You had to be there. I don't care if people don't like how ke$ha looks trashy or how she doesn't look like she showers or she's not pretty because she's FUCKING AMAZING. Brilliant. Such a rebel I friggen LOOOOOOVE it. Although I did end up yacking from mixing drinks....... NO BIG DEAL lololololol. Kesha woulda loved me she would have held my hair for me as I yacked. Seriously though overall the night was ridiculously fun. I just forgot about all the craziness and stress of my real life. There was glitter on the floor, on my body, on my face--EVERYWHERE.
I don't know, I can't even write fast enough to keep up pace with the things I'm thinking of...

I LOVE KE$HA. I wish I was her.
She's such a G.

xoxo.

He Won't Go

Such an accurate and lovely song.
Adele did it again.

xoxo.

CCIT

So I thought I'd share this on here lol, this is just an iMovie exercise that we had to do for CCT.



Just had good bonding times making this!
And my noob website that I just recently finished:

http://www.individual.utoronto.ca/nikkaaquino/NikkaAquino/Index.html

Dreamweaver was probably the most excruciatingly painful application that I've ever had to use next to Flash. Thank God for having my own Mac!!! All that asianavenue codes paid off ahaha.

xoxo

Quick March overview

- Hot and Cold
- Break up to make up
- Final days of school
- Living in the library
- YouTube and Blogger
- No BBM and Tumblr
- Trust is earned
- Procrastination at its best
- Growing up
- Essays
- Essays
- Essays
- Skype dates!
- Lizzie Crew
- Pink Friday
- Rolling Deep
- Samson's come back (my guitar)
- RIP Freddy
- SNOW WTF YOU DOIN HERE?!
- Pink Friday Wagon
- Femme Fatale
- Stress
- Relax
- Make up shopping to the max
- Too much $$$$ spending
- Marshalls

xoxo.

2 in 1

2 updates:

1:
It has taken me so long, I can't believe that I am actually now able to drive the lancer comfortably. I got my g1 when I was 16 okay. When I was 16 EVERYONE was already driving, and I didn't get my G2 until I was 18. I put it away for too long but seriously, the commute to school and just the stress that I put on my parents and everyone else to drive me around is getting old. I'm not 14 anymore, I should be able to get myself to places. Anyway, I finally got up off my ass and I'm glad my dad has been putting the pressure on me to drive the lancer. The only reason why I didn't really want to drive it was because I panic a lot and the lancer is standard so basically it freaked me out every time I stalled. It took me long enough to learn how to drive it properly and I'm proud to say that I'm finally confident enough that I will accept the car freely and all the errands that will go along with having this car. Picking up my brother, going to the grocery etc. etc. In a way I feel like I earned it because I didn't get a car when I was like 16 or 17 or ever drove to high school. But I actually took my time until I was even ready for this responsibility and I'm happy my parents didn't just give it to me when I wasn't ready for it in high school. Now, I really need it especially because...

Update 2:
We're moving!!! Parents recently bought a house that is going to be farther to commute from my school. Not saying that it'll be too hectic to take the bus but I don't know actually, they suggested for me to drive :) I took it. Haha. So, I'm very excited about this house, it is a lot bigger than our house now so it's good in a way that there's going to be more space for all of us. BUT at the same time it's a lot to clean!

Anyway, there is my 2 in 1 post. Also, school is over!!!!!!!!!!!!! woooooooooooo.
(Well classes but not exams).

xoxo.

Happiness

Having no expectations brings happiness.


xoxo.

RIP Freddy

I am so sad. I was in the middle of my writing my English paper and decided to get a quick drink. I noticed my fish, Freddy wasn't moving in the bottom of his tank (he's been stuck at the bottom of his tank for awhile cause he was sick) and so I took a closer look at him to find his gills not moving anymore. I tried desperately to tap and wiggle the tank around because that usually makes him move... But I think I saw him make his last movements when he moved his tail and never again.
I'm actually down right now. Although I only had him for 6 months, I loved having him. I think everyone knew that. I wish I did everything I could when I saw him sick.

RIP Freddy

Last week of classes!

POWER SURGE.

Gonna try to reach every single one of my classes.
Keyword is "try"

xoxo.

Favorite

My obsession for Kobe never lessened for once since I was 8. This has got to be one of my favorite pictures. Lol, maybe it's the fact that it's combined with Social Network which is my ultimate favorite movie well, after A Cinderella Stor, so 2nd ultimate favorite movie haha.
Idk but I love this I just printed one out to post in my room.

xoxo.

The Empty Space

It's hard to get used to you being so distant and away from me. Although I know you promised to wait for my forgiveness and you promised to be there anytime I decide and realize I'm okay to be with you again, I'm still missing your occupation in the empty space beside me. How I used to be bored with you and not by myself, and when I got tired I'd lay my head on your shoulder, or maybe even sometimes on your lap. It's hard to try to fix damage you did that only you can fix. For so long I relied on you to be here whenever I needed and I trusted you, my heart was whole. I can't even trust myself with any thought of you because I could easily turn them from anger to pain to sorrow of missing you. My indecisive heart and my confused mind. I guess it is really true, love may be broken but love repairs meanwhile trust is frail and once broken no good trust may ever be recollected from that moment and though you start from scratch, the base can never be as solid. You broke my heart over and over and I did not care for those moments because at the end of the day my love could not be altered by any kind of wrong doing and mistake you made. Once you broke my trust, game over. I felt like I couldn't even forgive myself if I forgave you. Nothing, not even any kind of crazy, wild fight we ever had will amount to that feeling. Still, I miss you here. I just do. It's not wrong. It proves to me and to you that no matter how bitter I got during those last few days (or now and then), that I didn't really stop trying, I just had to get out of there.

With all this space between us, it's finally given both of us breathing spaces and a chance for me to miss you. You know how I feel and where I stand and I know where you are. Until I have hope again, I shall see you there.

xoxo.

Subject POSTs

Today was the first day of applying to subject posts and I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do. Thought the first step was done when I got into university? I knew this moment was going to come... I initially applied for CCIT (Communication, Culture and Information Technology for those who don't know the UTM term) and I have to say the courses for CCT this year were brutally unbearable (there's only 2 of them -___- the rest were electives) Since 1st year is all about history, it is so hard to concentrate on, every class is a medley of excruciating pain combined with boredom and frustration it is just everything I imagined communications NOT to be. However, I found myself weirdly interested in Fine Art History and Visual Comm. it's all about advertising and deconstructing all sorts of media. So I'm kinda leaning over towards double majoring on CCIT along with Art History if VCC wasn't a specialist program, I'd pick it over CCT in a heartbeat. Although it would take 12.5 credits to graduate which is basically 5 years instead of 4, I wouldn't really mind.

I'm hoping that talking to CCT academic advisers will help me clear out the dilemma. This sucks, especially because my grades aren't the best to get into any program I want and it's like applying to university all over again and waiting to get in -_-.

Decisions, decisions!!!
Also, an hour ago my mom told me to start my retirement plans.........
Okay wait, I haven't even graduated yet....................
Wut iz dizzz!!!!!!!

xoxo

I cannot give myself away, that way.

I could not believe how much this song pretty much explains what I feel and I tried to fight every urge to cry. It sucks to be here. I hate every part of the numbing and I hate feeling everything, too. This is seriously what have become of us and we've given it all we've got over and over again. I never saw myself give up but I felt it closing and closing and closing in. It eats me away everyday to be happy because the guilt of being happy without you is so much more stronger. It should have been so simple. You love me, I love you, we'll be happy together but the days are so dark sometimes and I never see us smile like how we used to. Pillows damp by the end of the night and every morning was waking up to a nightmare from dreams of being happy and reality is worse than what could have ever been expected. How did it go from the opposite to here? I was tired. I was always tired and I desperately needed hope from anything I could get it out of. It never came. Like I said, I did not leave because you hurt me, I could probably stand all of it. We were falling apart, I did not want to sit there and watch it happen.

Savannah Outen has always been my favorite on YouTube, she's only my age and she's super talented, this song coming from her could not have been any better.


Bet you want, what I wanted baby
Looking back
Don't you think that maybe, you were wrong?
I better never cross your mind
Rewind
Look at us, just a shadow falling across the floor
I'm not calling to you anymore
I cannot give myself away, that way

What've you done, what've I done
What've we both become, baby?
I don't know what to say, oh


Did we go, a little bit too far?
How did we get off track?
Look around, look at where we are
Now we can't take it back
Too late, what have we spoken?
All the love and the laugh
Look around, everything broken
Now we can't take it back,

Just enough, let me in and then you
Made it rough, that's a game I thought that, I could win
Said no one knows you like I do, it's true

What've you done, what've I done
What've we both become, baby?
I don't know what to say, oh

Did we go, a little bit too far?
How did we get off track?
Look around, look at where we are
Now we can't take it back!
Too late, what've we spoken?
All the love and the laugh
Look around, everything broken
Now we can't take it back

Yeah, we can't take it back, can't take it back...

Close your eyes, breathe me in, remember when, yeah
Blazing fire, across the sky, remember then?

Ooooh, no I can't take it back
Oh, did we go, a little bit too far?

Oooh, look around, look at where we are(Look around were we are)
(Oooh)Now we can't take it back!
Too late, what've we spoken?
All the love and the laugh
(Too late)Look around, everything broken
(It's too late)Now we can't take it back

Hmm, yeah
Look around, look at where we are.
Now we can't take it back

xoxo.

Acceptance

There are many events in life that force you to submissively adapt to certain circumstances that you weren't ready for. Lately, I've been more aware of my growth as a person than I have been ever before but there's a certain struggle that comes along with it--holding on. Truth is, growing up has been so far bittersweet in my experience. Finally getting treated as an adult with the respect that I deserve but at the same time letting go of the youth and innocence that I can no longer claim because I am now grown enough that I should know better, well, in common sense anyway, is what I mean about the bittersweet feeling. I now find myself looking back at those moments when I only dreamt of these very moments but actually getting to execute the plans is surreal and I overlooked the hard work that needed to be exerted in this future that I have so restlessly [un]prepared myself for: university, work, self and others' expectations. 18. 18. 18. I should be freely relaxing like how everyone else is seemingly taking it... It is in fact the time to do that, right? (No.) Yet, I have all these things running in my mind already. The problem is, and always have been with me, is that I will have all these self priorities and goals that I want to achieve but I always resort to cramming and yes, I can pull through but by what? Achieving the bare minimum? Not thoroughly disappointing myself because by doing so, I have let my self expectations lower. Though I have always worked hard, I have never successfully achieved my goals without cramming and doing it last minute leaving me stressed and drained and at the end of the day, the quality of work that I achieve is not really all that I planned it to be. Yes, I do work hard when I need to, yes I will study when I need to but I won't when I have all the free time to do it. I probably sound like any normal student, we all have our procrastinative sides, but mine is probably exceeding the norm. Not mentioning, there aren't just these things happening with my life. Throw in a couple of parties I can't say no to, family stress and a boy in this equation of "growing up and learning" thing and you've got your recipe for sweet disaster.

I am trying to take things one at a time and I am trying to see things in a different perspective than I have been seeing it. I need to accept these challenges that growing up poses. I never used to see what precision and literally blood, sweat and many many many tears that needed to be put in in order for me to actually achieve the satisfaction that I seek. I dared to dream big though, it's time to slowly but surely put in the work.

xoxo.

So much for doing work at school!

Yesterday, I came to school earlier than I would usually come on Thursdays (actually, sometimes I don't even go to school on Thursdays). I planned on working on my essay all day until maybe around 4 and go home and sleep. Well, let's just say NOTHING went according to plan. I got to school around 10:40 and sat in the Silent Zone with Alfie. For the most part, I was really reading until distractions such as YouTube and hunger came along. At around 1:00 I asked Alfie if he wanted to grab something to eat, so we "quickly" grabbed some pizza. He'd been asking me the whole time if I wanted to go drink at the pub for St. Patty's and I deliberately rejected his offer because I really needed to finish my essay! Anyway, he also did say he didn't want to drink...Lies. He tricked me into coming to the pub to say "hello" to people. Little did I know him and Ferd were peer pressuring EVERYONE to come drink. People had been in the library same time as us studying for an Economics test and they were all asked to come as well and all of us managed to put our studies aside "maybe just for a little bit", we said. I liked how Ferd was saying "drink now, pass out and be rejuvenated and study and write essays but it's St. Patty's we gotta drink!". Holy fuck. I don't even want to talk about how intoxicated I was at 3 in the fucking afternoon. We ended up buying 13 or was it 14 pitchers of beer? Who knows. I was sorta just mooching off the free beer haha until Dianne came and wanted to get pitchers with me. Nonetheless, it was fun while it lasted... Too bad I didn't get any of my essay done cause I was super tired and burnt out after (just the terminology, I don't do drugs). So I crashed early and now I am up at 4 am to do the rest of my essay.

Ugh. Life.

xoxo.

St. Patty's

I watch too much make up guru videos and now own too much make up. I never used to wear eyeshadow AT ALL. In fact, I was more of the bronzer, mascara, eyeliner and occasional lip gloss wearing kinda person. I still do that however, I have recently discovered my hidden talent of wasting my time and playing dress up and putting on make-up. This might turn out being a beauty blog pretty soon. I mean, a mix of things... Anyway, I decided to do green in commemoration of St. Patty's day haha.
Horrible picture, camera is washing it out and I refuse to wear it darker than it is now just for picture purposes. Anyway, off to school to work on my essay alllll day.

Have a lucky day!

xoxo

The Thrill

We are always running for the thrill of it.

xoxo.

currently

I don't hold back on Filipino food. Legggggooo!
(Excuse the shitty blackberry quality photo)

Xoxo.

It ain't about tha cha ching cha ching

Great cover!

xoxo.

Spring!

I've never been a huge admirer of the spring weather, I've always been one of those people who disregarded the existence of fall and spring. For so long I only saw it as: if it was cold, it's winter and if it was warmer then it is summer. However, this year I have gained a new perspective on the seasons of the year (seriously getting old wut wut wut iz diz). I have yet again successfully dragged myself to the library after classes today, Dianne was here with me awhile ago and the lack of library space has led us to sit on the couches by the huge windows in the first floor. I can't complain about this at all since I love the couches in the library, they are so comfortable and at times maybe a little too comfortable that I cannot even think about anything but sleeping. Anyway, so like I mentioned, I am sitting by these huge windows overlooking the outside of the building where the sun is shining and the birds are flying in little flocks. I can pretty much see the changes of the weather and I don't think I have ever given spring a chance to amuse me because warm weather only meant summer to me. However, even as I am sitting here just feeling a little warmth that the sunshine is beaming on me, I suddenly realize the beauty of spring. Winter gloomy days are over and though rain might be a drag, there is an abstract feeling of warm presence and hope that is to come with all the sunshine after all that rain. Seeing all the trees slowly growing their leaves and the tulips popping out. Ah! I know, exciting. It's exciting. School is slowly coming to an end as well and it is so exciting to think of the relaxation during the break. The fun that I WILL have this summer etc. etc.

Also, I realized that spring is a time where colors are lively and people do not seem as lonely and gloomy like fall or winter, haha. Oh, also, spring fashion is great! I can't wait! I already started wearing my pastel nail polish :p. This is good... I love being in a good mood and the weather is too--pathetic fallacy. Love it, love it, love it.

xoxo.

Best discovery ever!

Fake lashes for $1.25 at Dollarama!
*correction $1.50 (still that's a steal!)*

xoxo.

Focusing... almost

I finally found the willpower to stay after all my classes were done today. Actually, it's only 12:13 pm. I have successfully fought every fiber in my body telling me to go home. So I'm sitting in the Silent Zone pondering about things I need to do. I have an essay due on Friday and I'm well behind on my English readings. When school first started in September and before all the frustrations began, I always found myself in the library trying to accomplish some work... I guess I just lost that balance once I started losing faith in myself academically. This is 5 months later and I'm finally caving in to nerding away from home and actually staying in school to study here.

I am 2 essays, 1 quiz and 5 exams away from the end of first year and whether or not I pass them, I could at least say I tried and I survived without giving up (which in most cases I felt like doing). I'm not doing horrendous as I was in the beginning of first semester, however, I learned that university is a constant struggle and it needs my full on attention which I have forever resented it even now as I choose to blog instead of researching for my Visual Comm essay. I'm always JUST passing or having one or two glory moments where I'm in the average range. I did however score a 92% on my CCT midterm and seriously a huge relief and probably going to raise my GPA enough to get in my program.

Sigh.
Life is starting to show me the more real and "big world" aspect of it.
Again, I'm gonna say this like how I always do (well, to myself) I hate feeling like I'm getting old. I've always wished to be in this position when I was younger... But what I would give to be 8 again sitting in Manila, in my lola's living room watching teleseryes eating her chicken adobo and then napping for 2 hours and wake up to do the same thing over again.
Now I have bills to pay, people to please, I'm considered and adult and can be charged with crimes and I am seriously starting to result to that once people start pissing me off these days. Kidding. Not really.
Yet, I am so young, so young to be this tired of life already.

xoxo.

Thank You

That was very sweet of you.
It came with a letter too!

It reminds me of that one time when...


xoxo.

I have to put this out there right now ...

Dying of laughter in my living room, home alone LOL.

xoxo.

RANT

PEOPLE CAN BE SO SENSITIVE
LIKE I MEAN
UNNECESSARILY SENSITIVE
AND MOODY
AND MOODY
AND SENSITIVE
AND NEVER GETTING OVER THE FACT OF ANYTHING
AND NEVER UNDERSTANDING ANY OF YOUR EXPLANATIONS
CAUSE THEY'RE SO FUCKING SENSITIVE

GOODNESS FRIKKIN GRACIOUS.

Sumi's birthday coming up!

This is my sponsored child, Sumi, she's turning 5 on March 15th. I've been sponsoring her since December and I haven't actually contacted her personally until now. I am so excited for her to receive her presents! When I signed up for World Vision, the volunteer told me that if I wanted to send stuff to her I would have to buy smaller things that weren't really heavy. So I went to the dollar store and picked up some crayons, coloring books, flip flops etc. but I think I got too excited and this parcel MIGHT be a little too big. I'm crossing fingers though that I get to send them all!



xoxo.

I'm not saying it's a piece of cake, just take a moment to evaluate the possibilities, the situations, the opportunities that are waiting.

Today is the first day of lent and I decided to give up Tumblr, Facebook, chocolate and 2 minutes ago, BBM. I know it may seem like a lot and impossible for me to do but I know come Easter, it will be very rewarding. Also... More time on blogspot!

A lot of things have been happening the past few days and my head is full of confusion. Left and right people questioning me about what is going on, what happened, how am I doing... Though it's very nice for people being concern about my state right now I also feel bombarded. I don't like telling the story over and over and actually I do not even like browsing over what happened at all because it just sparks up anger and pain. I'm so grateful though to have the lovely friends that I have now. It's so hard to deal with something like this, I could only imagine how it would be for those who had or have to do it alone.

Overall, I'm confused and agitated.
I have questions that he can't answer.
I'm confused as to why the so many chances I constantly gave still weren't enough for him to see the things I needed from him.
Why now?
Why, after I left, after I told you no 200 times are you coming back to me telling me you're going to do all those things you promised me? Why now, are you just willing to "be the man I needed you to be" as you would say... Why not when I needed you? Why not when I was crying did you want to be there for me but now that I'm gone? Why do you want to prove yourself worthy NOW?

I'm trying so hard to hold my ground. I can't stand you being miserable, yes after all this time. Don't we both wish it wasn't too late?

I just actually wish people gave me space though. Everyone. It's only been 4 days.

xoxo.

Such a shame to go down in flames like this.

I'm a girl who generally knows what she wants and is pretty much informed about what she rightly deserves. I've been blinded and imprisoned by my emotions. Convinced that I was always doing the right thing and trying to be "the bigger person", I sacrificed my well being and disregarded my thoughts. Thinking usually gets you out of the situation but using your heart as guide is catch-22. I knew all of this but still risked it all. For that I am so stupid. I had trust in Lorenzo. Always. I never doubted him because he never gave me a reason to. Even though there were many times that I've been driven away by certain circumstances, I've managed to be selfless and put him on my top priorities. The thoughts running through my head right now are so intense that if someone were to read it, they'd get lost, or feel my anger, sadness, fear and regret. I've never regretted anything. I was always a believer of things happening for the right reasons and the way they do is just part of the plan. This should not have been part of the plan; this is not part of the plan. How could you? Over so many times, so many chances given, how could you? You are human after all. But how could you?

My mind is racing through thoughts. Browsing memories and trying so hard to feel some kind of essence and truth in them. I had such an optimistic view about this break up. I really did. Because to me, there's nothing ever that we have not been able to figure out. Even as you begged for me back, I did not feel. I did not sigh uncontrollably, nor did I say "yes" subconsciously. Repeatedly, I told you no. You begged and you begged and I stood my ground telling you I couldn't. For once, I saw the light that I could be happy without you. I couldn't let myself do that again. After all the chances that I have given you, I couldn't have had another one to give could I? Apparently.
I couldn't stand you whimpering and whining and screaming in agony for me to give you another chance. Even thinking about myself and seeing that this was the wrong reason again, I did what I always did the best, I put you first and my own priorities second.

How the fuck in a span of 10 hours do you go from angry, to weepy, to angry, to sad, to heartbroken, to begging for me back and getting what you wanted and STILL doing me fucking wrong!
HOW
I can never fucking forgive you.
All hell break lose and you called for it.
Not one bone in my body.
I loathe you,
And I'm stupid for ever believing in you.
Your dumb "test" your fucking stupid dumb fucking test.
As if you haven't been doing it the whole entire span of 5 fucking years.
And all you can say is
"SORRY?"
sorry won't take SHIT back. Sorry won't make me feel better about you fucking up in the most crucial moment where I was so vulnerable and so easy to break or fix.
You are so dumb.
So
fucking
dumb.
I'm so angry I'm talking like I'm illiterate and finding every name in the book to call you.
I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME
In the end, your fuck up does not fucking hurt you
maybe it does, but how about me?
you fucked up ON me.

The nerve of you.

Always remember that life is too short to be with someone who makes you think more than he makes you feel.

Nobody told me that I couldn't live without you but myself.

xoxo

Good to know my genuine feelings were fake.

Let it go already.

xoxo.

Sweet escape. This is a hefty one.

(No one is crazy enough to read allllll dizzz)

Like I said, recently, tumblr has been bugging the hell out of me because I feel like it has just been contaminated with hypebeasts, horny teenagers, haters and drama with the "tumblr famous" people. I don't even know but I feel like these people are socially awkward in real life but just feed off the attention they receive from their followers. Also, I have over 540+ followers most of them I do not know and most of them probably just scrolling by my face in their dashes and I do not like the idea of it anymore. I owe this spot so many stories and I am willing to put in the essence back into my blogging life, away from the addicting memes and trends of tumblr.

To start off, I find it kinda funny that the last time I used blogger all I talked about was how hurt I was summer 2009. Oh sweet sweet summer 2009. I really wish I knew what I know now. Nonetheless, I used this space to vent out my feelings and only a few and selected people that I knew read my daily stories. My perspective has changed about tumblr, there is simply no way to just blog like this there anymore. Maybe just short anecdotes of how I feel but that's really it. Sometimes, I just need space like this when it gets too hard to write with my hand.

A lot of things have changed. I feel as a person I've grown. Especially senior year of high school when true colors showed. I wanted to get out of there so bad and I was just so tired of people lying and faking when everyone already knows how they are. I developed a bitchy side I guess and seriously did not even care who liked me or who didn't anymore and just stood by the people I knew were real. Even then, I realized trust can be so vague sometimes and friendships are truly fragile. In the end, you see who you are in your friends. Your friends reflect who you are, right? I'm glad to be in this position where I am now where I've got my feet on the ground, my lovely friends on the side and my amazing boyfriend on the other. I've also learned the importance of family life and have spent more time and effort on pleasing my parents more than ever before. I owe it to them. In many ways I am still the same and I am glad to see that I did not fall in too deep in bad traps I was caught in. I'm glad to say that even though I made some bad decisions, I made more that were the best decision I can ever choose in a situation. I'm glad I never fell into peer pressure of smoking weed or skipping end all days of school. I'm glad that I put academics first before partying in grade 12. Last but not the least, though I hate to admit it, I am so happy I "chose" the university I attend now. Though I cried and fussed about it, I'm happy my parents forced me into UTM to get that University of Toronto degree. I've never loved home like how I love it now.

I'm just gonna categorize the important parts (or people) in my life for the past year or so (in no order).


School
Oh, school. Ever so stressful and exciting at the same time. Like I mentioned, going to UTM was not part of my plan at all. I mean at all. I was forced to even apply there to begin with. I wanted what every teenager wanted: away from home. I tried to cope with it the best way that I could by just trying to enjoy the fact that I even had the privilege to go to a prestige university. I didn't want my uni life to be all about academics I wanted the parties, the boys, the drinking and the staying up late and going to class on Wednesdays hungover. Realization didn't settle in til about 3rd week of uni when I realized how stressful it really was to be there. The course load and the huge jump from high school curriculum was not something I could easily handle and I was more than happy to come home every night, lay in my own bed and eat my mom's home cooked chicken adobo. I seriously spent all waking energy being at school, doing school work and trying to even understand what the hell is really going on. My efforts were short and I always found myself even failing my classes after studying so much. I just could not grasp anything. For once in my life, I was so exhausted that partying did NOT even cross my mind. I was growing up, "my gosh, what the fuck, I'm getting old, I'd rather stay home on a Friday and Saturday night" I thought to myself for awhile. I finally caught a tiny grip on university and focused after much failure and crying over failed 25% tests and I just realized I wasn't working hard enough. It isn't easier per se, but more like I've finally found a way that I could fit in a little bit of social life without totally, superbly flunking my credits. Nonetheless, even though I only got Dianne and Alfie at school, damn, it's fine! Actually, more than fine. We found ourselves just making inside jokes about everything. Lifts a little off of stress.

Friends
Short and simple really: I have the best set of friends anyone can ask for. We have seriously experienced so many things from other people and found the best confidence and trust in each other because of that. My best friends now mainly Lorenzo, Dianne, Diana, Vanessa, Martikka, Steph, Phincy, Cristina, Uzair, Mark and Alfie are probably the realest people I know. (Gosh, did I actually say that about Uzair?! Ahaaaa.) Obviously Enzo (he will have his own slot so I will not talk too much about him here) always the greatest. Also so grateful for the sisterly bond (including Uzair) and for Mark and Alfie always being there when I have problems. The best people to cheer me up. I love the jokes, I love this circle of friends.

God
I have come up and down with our relationship but He's truly shown in me his existence through goodness and evil. Through people's actions and His creations. People probably do not normally see me as a religious person but through all the struggles that only 18 years of life has posed to me I learned to put all trust in God and God all ways always. Seriously all His tests showed its lesson and slowly but surely showing me the room to grow and the room for change. The endless blessings and the privileges I do not deserve for all the negative and morally wrong things that I do and keep on doing. It's amazing how God gives.

Family
I don't always have the best relationship with my parents or my brother but it has been better than my younger teenage years. Now that I know better, I finally know how to act (sometimes, haha) around them. For so long I was that kid who not really rejected my family but put them secondary above all else. I regret those days now because I love my parents and my brother. What we have gone through as a family, no one else will ever be able to see except us. I only have one of each. One mom, one dad and one brother. I have learned to cherish them even through annoyance and drama that sometimes happens. My parents are strong people for bringing up such a brat like myself and straightening me out and teaching me lessons like how they did and as for my brother, I'm happy to see him come to me to share secrets and being able to confide in me. Wouldn't trade them for the world.

Love
Yes and I say love because there is no word but this word that can describe this any other way. Lorenzo. My sweet, precious boy. Sigh. Honestly, I'm crazy to even have doubts about Enzo. Since day one, we have just "clicked" and though that immature infatuation prolonged for quite long, it's really nice to see how far we've gone to reach where we are. Summer 2009 WAS TOTALLY HIS FAULT. Lol. Joking. Not really. He broke my heart. Then worked his ass off to fix it. I was impressed. In noway or no point even today is our relationship ever ever perfect. Oh heeeell no. We piss each other off on the regular! But that's just what it is though. We've learned to grow together. Every single step is a learning process. We're so perfect for each other sometimes I think it can't all work out this well. We've lost our heads so many times and just did stupid, unreasonable things. At the end of the day, he knows me better than I think and he is so ever forgiving and showering me with love the best way he can. Lorenzo is not a romantic guy. He does not buy me flowers out of nowhere, he does not write me letters just cause... No he's not that. He works hard for simplicity. Simple. Always loved about him. He won't do all of those ideal lovey movie things that all girls, even I expected. He'll give me endless of kisses and reluctantly agree to things I want to do over his own will just to make me happy. No flowers or material things can replace those little sacrifices. He will look me in the eyes and tell me what he's feeling instead of writing it out to me in a form of a letter and at the end of the night talk to me on the phone and THEN send me a long text message. Even just talking about it right now, just makes me so grateful and I regret all those times I have done him wrong by thinking about what I wanted before him. We've fought a million times and probably 100 times about every single topic there is to fight about, some of them ending in walking out, shutting out and leaving. But always coming back. Honestly, he's never failed to prove to me that he has his heart on the right spot. Although yes, a lot of times BOTH of us treated each other unfairly, I was probably the first one to always lose hope on us and he never let me. Thank goodness because I always tend to use my head when it comes to things that hurt me. I always look for the way out and not the way to fix it. And not only has this relationship and his love taught me how to love HIM but also others. Unconditional love finally shone light on me and I understood just any type of love out there. Family, friend, lover, foe. I am so lucky, so so lucky. I can't imagine having the same experience with anyone else. My best friend is my boyfriend. BONUS!

xoxo.
(ah, I missed that)

I'm just annoyed

I got away from blogger and livejournal because of tumblr. When I first started tumblr in 2009 it was a quiet place full of inspirational quotations and pictures that were actually meaningful. However, now I found myself hating what I see on my dashboard more than ever before.
Sigh.

xoxo