I'm a girl who generally knows what she wants and is pretty much informed about what she rightly deserves. I've been blinded and imprisoned by my emotions. Convinced that I was always doing the right thing and trying to be "the bigger person", I sacrificed my well being and disregarded my thoughts. Thinking usually gets you out of the situation but using your heart as guide is catch-22. I knew all of this but still risked it all. For that I am so stupid. I had trust in Lorenzo. Always. I never doubted him because he never gave me a reason to. Even though there were many times that I've been driven away by certain circumstances, I've managed to be selfless and put him on my top priorities. The thoughts running through my head right now are so intense that if someone were to read it, they'd get lost, or feel my anger, sadness, fear and regret. I've never regretted anything. I was always a believer of things happening for the right reasons and the way they do is just part of the plan. This should not have been part of the plan; this is not part of the plan. How could you? Over so many times, so many chances given, how could you? You are human after all. But how could you?
My mind is racing through thoughts. Browsing memories and trying so hard to feel some kind of essence and truth in them. I had such an optimistic view about this break up. I really did. Because to me, there's nothing ever that we have not been able to figure out. Even as you begged for me back, I did not feel. I did not sigh uncontrollably, nor did I say "yes" subconsciously. Repeatedly, I told you no. You begged and you begged and I stood my ground telling you I couldn't. For once, I saw the light that I could be happy without you. I couldn't let myself do that again. After all the chances that I have given you, I couldn't have had another one to give could I? Apparently.
I couldn't stand you whimpering and whining and screaming in agony for me to give you another chance. Even thinking about myself and seeing that this was the wrong reason again, I did what I always did the best, I put you first and my own priorities second.
How the fuck in a span of 10 hours do you go from angry, to weepy, to angry, to sad, to heartbroken, to begging for me back and getting what you wanted and STILL doing me fucking wrong!
HOW
I can never fucking forgive you.
All hell break lose and you called for it.
Not one bone in my body.
I loathe you,
And I'm stupid for ever believing in you.
Your dumb "test" your fucking stupid dumb fucking test.
As if you haven't been doing it the whole entire span of 5 fucking years.
And all you can say is
"SORRY?"
sorry won't take SHIT back. Sorry won't make me feel better about you fucking up in the most crucial moment where I was so vulnerable and so easy to break or fix.
You are so dumb.
So
fucking
dumb.
I'm so angry I'm talking like I'm illiterate and finding every name in the book to call you.
I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME
In the end, your fuck up does not fucking hurt you
maybe it does, but how about me?
you fucked up ON me.
The nerve of you.
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