Sweet escape. This is a hefty one.

(No one is crazy enough to read allllll dizzz)

Like I said, recently, tumblr has been bugging the hell out of me because I feel like it has just been contaminated with hypebeasts, horny teenagers, haters and drama with the "tumblr famous" people. I don't even know but I feel like these people are socially awkward in real life but just feed off the attention they receive from their followers. Also, I have over 540+ followers most of them I do not know and most of them probably just scrolling by my face in their dashes and I do not like the idea of it anymore. I owe this spot so many stories and I am willing to put in the essence back into my blogging life, away from the addicting memes and trends of tumblr.

To start off, I find it kinda funny that the last time I used blogger all I talked about was how hurt I was summer 2009. Oh sweet sweet summer 2009. I really wish I knew what I know now. Nonetheless, I used this space to vent out my feelings and only a few and selected people that I knew read my daily stories. My perspective has changed about tumblr, there is simply no way to just blog like this there anymore. Maybe just short anecdotes of how I feel but that's really it. Sometimes, I just need space like this when it gets too hard to write with my hand.

A lot of things have changed. I feel as a person I've grown. Especially senior year of high school when true colors showed. I wanted to get out of there so bad and I was just so tired of people lying and faking when everyone already knows how they are. I developed a bitchy side I guess and seriously did not even care who liked me or who didn't anymore and just stood by the people I knew were real. Even then, I realized trust can be so vague sometimes and friendships are truly fragile. In the end, you see who you are in your friends. Your friends reflect who you are, right? I'm glad to be in this position where I am now where I've got my feet on the ground, my lovely friends on the side and my amazing boyfriend on the other. I've also learned the importance of family life and have spent more time and effort on pleasing my parents more than ever before. I owe it to them. In many ways I am still the same and I am glad to see that I did not fall in too deep in bad traps I was caught in. I'm glad to say that even though I made some bad decisions, I made more that were the best decision I can ever choose in a situation. I'm glad I never fell into peer pressure of smoking weed or skipping end all days of school. I'm glad that I put academics first before partying in grade 12. Last but not the least, though I hate to admit it, I am so happy I "chose" the university I attend now. Though I cried and fussed about it, I'm happy my parents forced me into UTM to get that University of Toronto degree. I've never loved home like how I love it now.

I'm just gonna categorize the important parts (or people) in my life for the past year or so (in no order).


School
Oh, school. Ever so stressful and exciting at the same time. Like I mentioned, going to UTM was not part of my plan at all. I mean at all. I was forced to even apply there to begin with. I wanted what every teenager wanted: away from home. I tried to cope with it the best way that I could by just trying to enjoy the fact that I even had the privilege to go to a prestige university. I didn't want my uni life to be all about academics I wanted the parties, the boys, the drinking and the staying up late and going to class on Wednesdays hungover. Realization didn't settle in til about 3rd week of uni when I realized how stressful it really was to be there. The course load and the huge jump from high school curriculum was not something I could easily handle and I was more than happy to come home every night, lay in my own bed and eat my mom's home cooked chicken adobo. I seriously spent all waking energy being at school, doing school work and trying to even understand what the hell is really going on. My efforts were short and I always found myself even failing my classes after studying so much. I just could not grasp anything. For once in my life, I was so exhausted that partying did NOT even cross my mind. I was growing up, "my gosh, what the fuck, I'm getting old, I'd rather stay home on a Friday and Saturday night" I thought to myself for awhile. I finally caught a tiny grip on university and focused after much failure and crying over failed 25% tests and I just realized I wasn't working hard enough. It isn't easier per se, but more like I've finally found a way that I could fit in a little bit of social life without totally, superbly flunking my credits. Nonetheless, even though I only got Dianne and Alfie at school, damn, it's fine! Actually, more than fine. We found ourselves just making inside jokes about everything. Lifts a little off of stress.

Friends
Short and simple really: I have the best set of friends anyone can ask for. We have seriously experienced so many things from other people and found the best confidence and trust in each other because of that. My best friends now mainly Lorenzo, Dianne, Diana, Vanessa, Martikka, Steph, Phincy, Cristina, Uzair, Mark and Alfie are probably the realest people I know. (Gosh, did I actually say that about Uzair?! Ahaaaa.) Obviously Enzo (he will have his own slot so I will not talk too much about him here) always the greatest. Also so grateful for the sisterly bond (including Uzair) and for Mark and Alfie always being there when I have problems. The best people to cheer me up. I love the jokes, I love this circle of friends.

God
I have come up and down with our relationship but He's truly shown in me his existence through goodness and evil. Through people's actions and His creations. People probably do not normally see me as a religious person but through all the struggles that only 18 years of life has posed to me I learned to put all trust in God and God all ways always. Seriously all His tests showed its lesson and slowly but surely showing me the room to grow and the room for change. The endless blessings and the privileges I do not deserve for all the negative and morally wrong things that I do and keep on doing. It's amazing how God gives.

Family
I don't always have the best relationship with my parents or my brother but it has been better than my younger teenage years. Now that I know better, I finally know how to act (sometimes, haha) around them. For so long I was that kid who not really rejected my family but put them secondary above all else. I regret those days now because I love my parents and my brother. What we have gone through as a family, no one else will ever be able to see except us. I only have one of each. One mom, one dad and one brother. I have learned to cherish them even through annoyance and drama that sometimes happens. My parents are strong people for bringing up such a brat like myself and straightening me out and teaching me lessons like how they did and as for my brother, I'm happy to see him come to me to share secrets and being able to confide in me. Wouldn't trade them for the world.

Love
Yes and I say love because there is no word but this word that can describe this any other way. Lorenzo. My sweet, precious boy. Sigh. Honestly, I'm crazy to even have doubts about Enzo. Since day one, we have just "clicked" and though that immature infatuation prolonged for quite long, it's really nice to see how far we've gone to reach where we are. Summer 2009 WAS TOTALLY HIS FAULT. Lol. Joking. Not really. He broke my heart. Then worked his ass off to fix it. I was impressed. In noway or no point even today is our relationship ever ever perfect. Oh heeeell no. We piss each other off on the regular! But that's just what it is though. We've learned to grow together. Every single step is a learning process. We're so perfect for each other sometimes I think it can't all work out this well. We've lost our heads so many times and just did stupid, unreasonable things. At the end of the day, he knows me better than I think and he is so ever forgiving and showering me with love the best way he can. Lorenzo is not a romantic guy. He does not buy me flowers out of nowhere, he does not write me letters just cause... No he's not that. He works hard for simplicity. Simple. Always loved about him. He won't do all of those ideal lovey movie things that all girls, even I expected. He'll give me endless of kisses and reluctantly agree to things I want to do over his own will just to make me happy. No flowers or material things can replace those little sacrifices. He will look me in the eyes and tell me what he's feeling instead of writing it out to me in a form of a letter and at the end of the night talk to me on the phone and THEN send me a long text message. Even just talking about it right now, just makes me so grateful and I regret all those times I have done him wrong by thinking about what I wanted before him. We've fought a million times and probably 100 times about every single topic there is to fight about, some of them ending in walking out, shutting out and leaving. But always coming back. Honestly, he's never failed to prove to me that he has his heart on the right spot. Although yes, a lot of times BOTH of us treated each other unfairly, I was probably the first one to always lose hope on us and he never let me. Thank goodness because I always tend to use my head when it comes to things that hurt me. I always look for the way out and not the way to fix it. And not only has this relationship and his love taught me how to love HIM but also others. Unconditional love finally shone light on me and I understood just any type of love out there. Family, friend, lover, foe. I am so lucky, so so lucky. I can't imagine having the same experience with anyone else. My best friend is my boyfriend. BONUS!

xoxo.
(ah, I missed that)