Acceptance

There are many events in life that force you to submissively adapt to certain circumstances that you weren't ready for. Lately, I've been more aware of my growth as a person than I have been ever before but there's a certain struggle that comes along with it--holding on. Truth is, growing up has been so far bittersweet in my experience. Finally getting treated as an adult with the respect that I deserve but at the same time letting go of the youth and innocence that I can no longer claim because I am now grown enough that I should know better, well, in common sense anyway, is what I mean about the bittersweet feeling. I now find myself looking back at those moments when I only dreamt of these very moments but actually getting to execute the plans is surreal and I overlooked the hard work that needed to be exerted in this future that I have so restlessly [un]prepared myself for: university, work, self and others' expectations. 18. 18. 18. I should be freely relaxing like how everyone else is seemingly taking it... It is in fact the time to do that, right? (No.) Yet, I have all these things running in my mind already. The problem is, and always have been with me, is that I will have all these self priorities and goals that I want to achieve but I always resort to cramming and yes, I can pull through but by what? Achieving the bare minimum? Not thoroughly disappointing myself because by doing so, I have let my self expectations lower. Though I have always worked hard, I have never successfully achieved my goals without cramming and doing it last minute leaving me stressed and drained and at the end of the day, the quality of work that I achieve is not really all that I planned it to be. Yes, I do work hard when I need to, yes I will study when I need to but I won't when I have all the free time to do it. I probably sound like any normal student, we all have our procrastinative sides, but mine is probably exceeding the norm. Not mentioning, there aren't just these things happening with my life. Throw in a couple of parties I can't say no to, family stress and a boy in this equation of "growing up and learning" thing and you've got your recipe for sweet disaster.

I am trying to take things one at a time and I am trying to see things in a different perspective than I have been seeing it. I need to accept these challenges that growing up poses. I never used to see what precision and literally blood, sweat and many many many tears that needed to be put in in order for me to actually achieve the satisfaction that I seek. I dared to dream big though, it's time to slowly but surely put in the work.

xoxo.