My heart is completely broken

I don't know what to do.

Here

I haven't been here for awhile.

Hello.

xoxo

Uninspired

I used to read. I mean, A LOT. I used to rent out books from the library and have them finished the next day. I used to write. A LOT. About anything, about nothing. I have been so lazy and uninspired for the last 2 years that I haven't been the same "me" that I used to be. Every time I read old things I've written in the past... they don't even sound like my own words anymore I mean, I used to have a tad bit of brilliancy. Yeah, it's a little surprising for me, I have seriously given myself less credit than I deserve.

I'm in dire need of something rejuvenating that will spark up some new interests in my life again, like books and how I used to love words and I still do. I think it's still somewhat apparent...But I used to love words the way someone wouldn't really be able to understand. Language and the composure of works left me in awe and I always wanted to read and write all sorts of combination of words.

What happened to me!!!!
(School, boys, alcohol, facebook and tumblr, that's what)

I'm going to start reading avidly again, I know I still have that interest in me, I've been sleeping on it and have restricted myself from that pleasure I used to get from reading and replaced it with lousy doings.

When I saw how many books I own today, it just really came crashing to me how long I've put it off. I replaced my leafs with the computer and TV screen, I'm disappointed in myself.

xoxo.

Excited!

June has so far been very strenuous because of all the moving. Not to mention in all that packing and moving ALSO trying to squeeze in some time for my birthday and father's day etc etc. However, I'm happy that it is finally coming to a short halt... or maybe "pause" is a better word to use. I am leaving to Florida on Sunday with my family and there, we will be meeting my cousins from California. We're spending 8 days in the Sunshine State! Yay :) I'm so excited because not only do I get to spend time with my family again, but I also get to see my cousins again AAAAAND I finally get to feel like it really is summer because I haven't had time to actually relax, relax it has been all work or just bumming around at home (which is not really relaxing more like slothing out -_-).

Anyway, I do still have to work an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow and then on Sunday we are off to Florida! I'm ready to just kick it and just have fun in Orlando and Miami and good ol' family bonding is never bad for anyone! I'm really glad that we're going so that my brother finally comes out of his dungeon which is the basement, since we moved I haven't seen him cause everything he needs is in the basement....literally. He's got a mini fridge and a bathroom in there, I only see him when he's coming home to go down there. Sigh, teenagers. Lol.

xoxo.

19!

BIRTHDAY WEEK! From June 5th to June 10th. Photo heavy :)


June 5th- Had lunch at Spoon and Fork with my family after going to church :) Food was so amazing and I usually don't get my money's worth in buffets because I eat so small even though I really like sushi sometimes I can only eat so much. My parents were actually shocked at how much I ate hahaha. It was so delicious, I definitely recommend it to everyone and best believe I will be returning very soon!




Then on June 7th Lorenzo took me to Skybar to see J. Cole. He knew I wanted to go because he's only my favorite rapper in the world and also because it was my birthday eve and I wanted to do something fun! I couldn't have had a better birthday eve. Skybar is just so amazing and the fact that I got in with my own id (I don't think they even checked my birthday lol) was just so exciting! Lorenzo ended up getting me like 56789456789 drinks so it's safe to say I was pretty drunk (not pretty drunk, I passed out in his car on the way home LOL) and what better way to spend my birthday than J. Cole, nightlife, Lorenzo and some drinks?! Goes down as one of the most amazing nights ever. Ever.






My actual birthday (June 8th) consisted of unexpected birthday deliveries and packing! I figured since I already had a blast the night before (and woke up still tipsy) that I would just you know, spend the day relaxing. The plan was to go to the spa but I could NOT drive in my condition, I swear I was still drunk. So I had to cancel my appointment :( I had to pack for moving anyway. Gabs came over to help me... Later on the day Enzo had another surprise for me and he took me out for dinner and gave me a mint chocolate ice cream cake! My favorite flavor lol. Dianne gave me a new fishy and some cold stone ice cream sandwiches and Cristina gave me chocolate cake! They were all amazing and I tried to eat them all haha. I have to say, wow my friends are so creative with their birthday cards... I seriously don't know how I can top them! My birthday was amazing. I was sad I didn't get to go to church but I made sure I prayed forever that night.






Friday was just fantastic! My girls (and some guys, haha) went to TIME night club and just partied all night. Music and crowd was amazing and from what I heard, everyone had tonnes of fun! I was happy and very very content with what I had that night. It was more than enough to have the people I love around me all at the same time and together we just had the time of our lives! After clubbing, Phincy, Dianne and I went home to my house and ate our Jr. Chickens and fries ahahah. Couldn't get any better than that!

I woke up the next morning still unable to move my feet. Sign of a very good night. I had bruises all over and my hair was all yuck but I woke up super happy! I am so blessed with the people in my life, family, friends, boyfriend. I had a very very very very good birthday this year and I just appreciated everyone and everything so much more. From everything I learned from the past and from last year's very stressful birthday I am just so glad to say I was genuinely happy this year. I feel like I was at a happy and satisfied place where I have never been before. God continues to shower me with blessings and I cannot thank Him or anyone enough for everything I have today. I can be undeserving yet I am not resented these gifts! I'm so so so happy. It couldn't have been better.

xoxo.

Thank You

For always believing and for never giving up on me. I know times are rough and I give you a hard time. I know that sometimes my actions suggest for you to just leave me alone and move on. I can be cruel and mean and very indecisive and I don't know how you keep up with it. Though you've hurt me, I know I've hurt you just as much and even when I push you away, you keep trying and you never show any chance of you leaving me. Thanks for not listening when I tell you to just give up, that it's useless and that we're never going to be the same anymore. I've always wanted to see you try... I guess I never really looked how hard you were trying. I'm sorry that I'm making you wait this long for me to change my outlook but I know that you understand that I haven't been the strongest and that I haven't always seen the glass half full in our relationship. Nonetheless, you stick by me. Ironic how I always asked you to just make me feel special and I don't know how I never did but now that I stop to think about all the effort you've given in the last 2 months, I really should start believing you.

We've talked about trust in our relationship and I know I was always on your ass for everything you did, but you have to understand... it wasn't that I didn't trust you, it was that I was trying to find a trust in you again. Thank you for the freedom you've given me! I know it was hard for you to just let me go and let me be but it gave me a lot of breathing space that I needed. WE both needed.

For the last 3 months, I know that I haven't been the most co-operative. I cut you off, ignored you, fought with you... Yet, I don't know how you can still wake up every morning and tell me you missed me. I was bitter for a long time and you still put up with me. Man, when I would PMS and brought hell on earth for you WOW, I don't know how you're still here. Seriously. I can be a psycho bitch when I PMS. When I'm back to normal is when I really realize just how I much I actually put you through.

I'm sowwy :(

Thank you for standing by me and still telling me you love me everyday of the week. I know that you really do. I'm trying to find my way back. I really am.

xoxo

It can never satisfy.

I'm in a mood right now so bare with me as this might have some emotional rants and some issues that I have long long put aside for awhile now. I haven't been dwelling on the negatives in my life recently and yes it has been making me a lot happier and life a little bit easier but unfortunately, I have reached a mellow point right now where I'm sitting in here trying so hard not to feel the way I do and disregard the feelings that I have. Which now that I think about it, cannot be very healthy... I also realized that being nice, like how I've been and not complaining as much or at all (compared to how I used to) the sake of saving face, but at the end of the day there's just these unsaid things and discarded feelings that have been banked up to the side, and you thought you forgot all about it...until you remember and it starts digging up a hole of things you should have said and things you kept to yourself. I still choose to keep those to myself.
Except one.

I absolutely hate any comment about my weight.

I can honestly say that it's only okay for ME to talk about my weight. It's only okay for ME to say I was fat and now I'm too skinny blah blah blah, but when people say it to me... I cringe and it takes a LOT of willpower and strength to just nod, smile and walk away. Yes, I am quite aware of the huge weight I lost (about 15 pounds in the last year or so) and for some that might not be a lot but for a person who weighed almost 120 pounds, okay my highest weight was 122 and wtf I'm 5'2" (at that time I would never admit I was 122, it only lasted for like a month anyway) but I was probably at a steady rate of 118. I never thought that I'd hate when people say I'm too skinny. "Too skinny"? what does that even mean?! I hate it.

And you talk to me like I don't notice.

Yes, I step on the scale and it now reads 103. 104.5 on good days. I wear size 24 jeans, even fit in 23's. I never go beyond 0 or 2, xxs... and XS in forever 21?! YES. I've had recent occasions of XS being big on me.

Don't even get me started with my boobs because that's the best part about all of this.
Girls would kill to have double D's.

HAVE THEM.

I can't handle it.
I don't understand... I just.... it does NOT make sense how I can lose 15 pounds and stay the same cup size. No, it is not my birth control because I was always a DD before I even got on it. Yeah, I'm skinny and big boobs, why don't I want it? Why don't I like it? Why am I struggling like an idiot to like my self-image?

I don't know. Maybe because when I was bigger I wanted to be smaller now that I'm smaller, no one likes it? No wait, I can't even learn to like it. My parents always telling me to eat and I know they're serious when they ask me if I have an eating disorder. No. Fact is I love food, I love eating, and I built up my metabolism throughout time I guess and now I don't gain as much weight. I'm trying. I'm trying to work with it.

I think I reached rock bottom the other day when I just bawled my eyes out after purchasing this bathing suit that was a Large top and an XS bottom and realized how unproportioned I looked like and how I look so wrong having such huuuuuuge boobs for a small body. I cried in an instant and I just sat there like kinda laughing at the same time in this mood thinking to myself that I just need to love the way I am now and that I probably have nothing to worry about and it's all in my head. Then I went to a family party where I was constantly told how "skinny" I looked...Where I was constantly asked if I eat properly and how I lost the weight. Then my tita today at church and I quote "Tama na ha, mag pataba ka na ulit ng onti" (For those reading my blog Idk why, but that means 'it's enough okay, gain some weight again') doesn't sound that bad in english, but in tagalog it's a little bit more sarcastic and pity. Like why do people talk in their voice with concern that I'm like battling an eating disorder.

It's all good.

I want to be content with the way I look. That's all. I know that if I just look away from the mirror, that I'm probably more than fine the way I am right now but I just can't tolerate any comments about my weight.

Blew off the steam.
xoxo.